unmasked

Today I checked out of my shorter-term sublet on UWS, heading home for the weekend, but first I dropped off a giant suitcase at my longer-term sublet in Central Harlem. And thankfully I got “I made the right decision” vibes, and maybe even further into “things will turn out ok” vibes territory, even if I know I’m still on an emotional tightrope.

Within 3 blocks there is Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Burlington, Marshall's, CVS, and the 2/3 subway line (which I'm already experienced at traveling to work from since it was the same line from UWS). If I feel like taking a single bus instead of 3 trains or a train and a 20 min walk, there is a stop 4 minutes a way for a bus that takes me straight to my office door!

The owner is SO sweet, just as sweet as he was in his airbnb messages. He is originally from the UK but bought the building in 2003, and lives there with his two sons, has a daughter in college, and told me I was welcome to have family / friends up anytime. And there will be a piano in my room!!!

He has tenants but showed me around the common spaces. Looks like there are 4 apartments (2 duplexes) in the building in addition to the owner's. I will share a bathroom with a mystery person and a kitchen / laundry with multiple mystery people, which is something I haven't done in a while and which some of my friends responded to with “?!?!?!?!”… but I have a good feeling about it. And I have a good feeling that I can even have a good feeling about it, that there’s a little bit of hope there.

I’m posting this now so I can read it over when I am in Atlanta over Thanksgiving weekend. I have been pretty terrified about this, but since yesterday when I met with the therapist and autistic concepts started to click more for me (before that they just felt disorienting and upsetting), I feel more empowered. The therapist told me that this part of the journey is where I figure out what my actual needs are, as opposed to what I thought they were, or what I thought they should be.

I’m still early in that process, but I’m finally starting to feel the shift toward what is possible. The more I stop resisting the framing, the more I feel like it fits better than all the many many other framings I’ve tried on throughout my life, that I actually can identify my own needs more competently, with less shame and self-judgment, and can solve for them. So I’m going to try using some of this autism vocabulary for a while, see how it feels.