weepingwillow

I'm sitting here writing tonight with black stiletto nails. It's hard to type.

They are pretty, feminine, a little painful, and remind me of days long gone when I would get my nails done to look beautiful and well put together for the public eye and to make myself feel pretty.

Now

I got stiletto nails done to celebrate with a friend on her well-earned celebration. The thought that pervaded my mind when I chose the shape for my nails today was... man the cats are going to love this. I am going to be the scratch queen. I lot of my adult decisions are made with my cats in mind. They are my companions and they depend on me. So I am responsible for them. I am a cat lady. I'm ok with that. But

I've decided to love him again.
So now things will change. Things have already changed. My heart is feeling something.
I am scared for my heart.
There's not much left that's any good for anyone. But he deserves as much and I am lonely.

There are consequences to my actions. But I don't have much life left and I want to be loved. And he does love me. He always has. He hates me too. I know this. He should. I wanted him to. But if something happens to me it will kill the last light of hope in him. He doesn't deserve that.

I have decided to love him again and it's going to kill him in the last way that he is alive.

I am selfish
I am evil
I should...
But I won't.

My family will hate him. My neighbors will hate him
The world hates him.

Now I won't be invisible. I will be hated too.
I deserve that. But my loved ones do not.

I am selfish
I am evil
I should...
But I won't.