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Who-are-they
November 27, 2024
Be a better father,
It has been almost 2 years since i have left a toxic relationship that slowly soured over 10 years. When i wake up in the morning she used to be the first thing i thought and she was there.... I am in a constant state of healing and i don't know if i will ever complete my journey. I love my children so much but unfortunately i get angry with them quite often. I don't know how to direct my children's attention towards healthy minded activities. They are on the screens quite often and as a result i see them lash out more and more at each other. Being brother and sister they need to have a more loving relationship for each other. As i see it they are each others best friends but worst enemies at the same time.
As each day passes i only see into the future and dream of a better space for my children to grow and expand their minds. Currently i am living in my mothers basement paying $850 in rent and in the process of opening a thrift store that i have dreamt about for the better part of 6 years. I have sunk my life savings into growing a future for my children with one day dreaming of owning another house to which we can all call home.
Day to day i try and better myself, reading to them for 10 minutes, singing to them, cooking dinner, dropping them off and picking them up at school. I am the first face they see when they wake and the last face they see as they sleep. I have so much to give them but so little at the same time, i wonder if i am the man that can give them what they need in this world. My greatest fear is to be an inadequate father or to realize i was never a good father in the first place. (That is probably due to my own experiences growing up with an absent father) I know i am still here for my kids and no one can replace me as their father, with that said i also know that they are stuck with my until i pass. I have many flaws but that doesn't stop me from trying. How do i teach them to be strong individuals that have the ability to learn how to be successful in this world we live in today when so many adults can't seem to do the same for themselves.
Every day that passes i think to myself “ I am still here, i am still here, i am still here”, as much as i don't wish to be here i realize the only thing holding me to this world is the love my children have for me. I am broken and realize i stop in my tracks to still take a deep breath on an hourly basis sometimes and tell myself “this to shall pass”. For as many times i think negatively i believe positive and wishful thinking is the strongest form of self meditation. I will be a success, i will be a success, i will be a success, for this i have no choice. I have to better myself.
My world shatters and changes into an unrecognizable state when i pass my children off to her for her week. The first few days are spent figuring out what to do with myself, the rest are counting the days until i have my week again. The cycle continues and the only changes are the seasons leaving myself asking “How do you fix yourself if you're what's broken”
Be a better father....
published with write.as