12/28/24 response
Thoughts on thoughts from KDH
It's funny what you said about KE having fun losing three games of bocce... I think that's what I mean when I say 'someone has to lose at monopoly'. It's just a joy to spend time with someone. The competitive part just becomes another aspect to move the narrative forward. I think that's why I never curated much interest in sports... when I did play, teammates would be frustrated that I wasn't more focused on winning. Though, admittedly, it DOES feel good to win.
The hot tub SOUNDS wonderful. We dumped our inflate-a-tub after it ripped a seem in the summer heat. Missed it some through the summer and fall. REALLY miss it now. The therapeutic aspect is simply incredible. I haven't had back pain since I got really serious about strengthening my core a couple years ago, but when I did (have back pain), NOTHING got me through it faster than a few nights in the hot tub. It also had a strange (but welcome) effect of always putting Angelina in an amorous mindset.
Glad you and he smoothed things over. I knew you would. Your a tremendous communicator, which does wonders. For a man to not have to guess at a woman's intention or desire is a true boon. Predictable your great love may be, at least you bend like the willow. It's a thing: post-argument intimacy. Probably not what the Bible meant when it said 'don't let the sun set on you'. As a man, I can't explain why we're always ready to initiate the physical while you girls would prefer a hug and a kind word. Or, more usually, a listening ear. It means a lot that you were able to talk together. Learning a language is tough, but a willingness to to do so is the first step. :–) Of course, a one legged person won't run a 1 minute mile. That's where the power of patience is so vital.
When mine gets vague or noncommittal on communication (almost always), I've been trying to stop (before I get mad) and explain that it causes me stress to have to guess. For a while, I thought it was some kind of test... as if, I really loved her, I'd 'know-the-answer' kind of thing. I have since learned it is really just a limitation of her mind. She just doesn't think that way (clear expression). And I try to commend her when she does. We're a work in progress. As are we all.
You asked about my wife's mother attacking her: Oof... Okay two stories here: 1) my impression of what happened and 2) what my MIL was really feeling, which I learned after we went by tonight so Jellybean could repair things.
After most of a bottle of wine, her mother called frantic that she couldn't get the camera on on her computer. So, we popped over, it is usually just a minor camera mis-selection in the software. My wife dashes in to click the right button, but is inside for maybe 10m before I realize it's taking way too long. So, In I go, confident I can easily find the conflict with my super-computer-nerd skills.
Only, when I walk in her mother is launching a verbal assault of 'you always' and 'you never' and 'how dare you' while her daughter, well-greased with wine has reverted to her flippant teenage self with 'what the hell mom' and 'you don't frikin' this and that'. When my wife gets this way (ticked off but feeling superior) she doesn't get an angry demeanor, she gets dismissive and her remarks become incredibly surgical. She knows that get's your goat and that poor creature is going to the slaughter.
So I smile and say, 'You guys be nice to each other.' and sit down at the computer, fire up zoom and when the camera is black, flick my eyes up to see (I'm not kidding) the lens cap is on the camera. It tool 11 seconds to sit down and open the little plastic piece.
Where is that eye-roll emoji.
The other side of the story is what really happened before I arrived. We went by today so Ange could smooth things over (I waited in the car) and it turned out that once tempers cooled, the matriarch was able to explain the she thought her daughter was calling her dumb. It's an incredibly sensitive subject with my MIL. In addition to her abusive mother, my wife's mother got married at 16 and was pregnant in pretty short order (I forget how old she was when she had my wife) but that meant that she never finished school. Neither did my wife's dad. And my mother-in-law never got her GED. My father-in-law did about 20 years later at my wife's behest.
As sensitive as my mother-in-law is about her lack of secular education, she also wears her experience and achievements as a badge of honor and takes great offense when others diminish her or treat her in a condescending way. You can imagine what it would be like to spend a life cleaning homes for wealthy clients who look down their nose at you. Credit to my wife's mother for her humility.
My own wife has a story of one client who, when her mother asked for a raise, was told, “You know, if you went to school and maybe got a college degree, you'd be worth paying more.” And of course didn't give her a raise.
She fired that client.
So, when she sensed that Jellybean was saying she was dumb, her trauma was triggered and she went on the warpath. My wife was not calling her mother dumb. She was several glasses of wine in on the evening, so likely came across as dismissive and may have alluded to computers being incredibly frustrating if we are ignorant of their operation.
Misunderstandings create wars. But glad this one got diffused.
Considering your feelings between you and your mother, I think you understand. My own wife was the first, but her Mom sure didn't want her. And she was a difficult child to raise. She didn't respond to discipline the way kids normally do. See my description of her flippancy earlier. I wonder if you both suffer the same emotional disorder from your experience. I wonder if we even have some commonalities... in my case my mother simply didn't have the tools to make me feel safe and loved. And that was compounded with raging alcoholism. Are we all looking for for that same thing? To FEEL loved...
Knowledge isn't enough. We KNOW we were loved as children: we ate, slept, were clothed... but didn't FEEL that?
It would be near impossible to make that complete the way we are. None of us have the tools we need. But we will one day. I don't know sis, I guess this is another place where patience is required. Trust that the missing puzzle piece will be found and filled. I wish I could. For Ange, for you, for all of us.
And there is the offer Jehovah makes to fulfill ANYTHING we give up 100-fold. One day. One day.
And I'm sorry you still carry those feelings of disappointment. I recommend reframing it. Imagine how they would feel if they adopted the truth. It seems impossible to you. But we don't know what will happen. How beautiful if they could recognize what a sacrifice you made for them. It was and is HUGE. Don't forget that.
For some of us, losing our non-witness family is no big deal. We didn't much like who they were anyway. That's not a great attitude and there is certainly some trauma to accompany that approach. But the sacrifice in that case pales in comparison to a circumstance like yours.
You KEEP making it work, sis. What a blessing to achieve a successful marriage in a world that is designed to dissolve it at every turn. Satan hates successful marriages. and 30 seems to be a favorite target of his. In six short months you'll make your 36th pass around the sun together. Bravo.
I feel dangerous because I don't always have stable thinking. Sometimes wrong ideas about you. (insert: this is a reference to the mental illness... maybe it's just being an imperfect human)
Regarding the reality of the kingdom: Maybe. I know that I dreamed of living in paradise from a VERY young age. Part of that still lives in me and manifests in my fascination with escapist fantasy. And it's obviously a big part of my faith. But how can it be less real to you? You were better equipped to function and thrive in this world than we were. MAYBE there is a tendency to rely on that ability more than people like me... but, there's also the matter of choice. IF you could rely completely on yourself, but CHOOSE to serve Jehovah... that really means something. More than if a person doesn't have a choice? I guess we always have a choice.
You are probably talking about the coming test. Getting is hard, letting go is even harder. Go sell what things you have and give to the poor sent that rich young ruler into fits.
It's easier to be rich than to be poor. But anyone can make good decisions and rely on Jehovah.
This is a difficult area for me. Bean and I were absolutely NOT prepared to function financially. Neither of our parents knew how to manage money. God, we are so financially inept. Compounding that is our lifelong belief that the kingdom is coming tomorrow, so why worry about it. It feels now like we're building a bridge across a chasm and laying the road as we go. Conflicting with those feelings of ineptitude are the years of service and experience that we have been able to have while being so irresponsible.
Was Jehovah blessing us? Or was it just us stumbling through life? I like to think it was the prior. I want to believe. I HAVE to believe that it wasn't just humans human-ing. Especially now that my load is SO greatly lightened. I have to convince myself this is Jehovah insisting I take a break. The alternative is that he's withdrawn his blessing and now I have to figure it out on my own. Bean says that's not the case. That Jah has always cared for us and he always will.
This makes my head hurt.
JLH once said to me 'if we're even there' referring to the New System. Honestly, I thought he was talking about me. It never occurred to me that he would fear you two wouldn't qualify. We're all flawed and worried we won't meet the coming tests.
I'll make you a deal: You do every thing you can to stay faithful to Jah regardless of the circumstance, and I'll do the same. It'll be a pact.
And if one or none of us make it, those who do will sit around a fire one night, sip home-made wine or beer and remember those who are missing, but did their best, but that it just wasn't enough.
[10:56 AM, 12/28/2024] : You know what? You're a really good hard working elder. I hope you know that🙂💙
[10:58 AM, 12/28/2024] : Burrito on the edge of oblivion!! I love it.
[4:55 PM, 12/28/2024] WLFW: Tingles! Thank you, for that absolute kindness.
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