Brittle Things and Second Chances
Well, as the clouds start parting on all of the stress the last few months, I am finding that healing physically is a slow process. We have so many friends fighting illness, I don't think I understood the long tail of being very very sick.
Her:
The hospital stays have born fruit in getting her back on her feet. She sleeps a lot—blood infections demand it.. The ABX are doing their job and will hopefully kill this bacteria once and for all. The doctor says it will never be gone, that she has to control her blood glucose levels in order to starve the little bug and allow her body to keep it at bay.
I didn't realize how neglectful she was to her health. Thinking she could power through and just be fine. Which is clearly possible when you are younger and more rubbery. But, we're people of a certain age now and have to think in more brittle terms. So far, she's been very serious about it, keeping the BG at or close to 100. If she can keep that up. We'll be fine. At her worst, it was hitting 300. And I'm pretty sure she was averaging in the 150-200 range for years.
She’s always resisted medication, but finally agreed to try Lexapro to help stabilize her moods. She doesn't manifest emotionally like I do. She is generally much more even, at least externally. I think that's a communication breakdown and not a true sign of emotional intelligence. If anything, I would really benefit from an ability to express how she feels about things. About me. So, maybe the SSRI will allow her to find some peace and happiness that she has been missing.
I hate that I'm learning bout all of this. :–/
Him:
Blood pressure is still a WIP. At its worst, it hit 212/160, which was crazy. I should have gone to the ER. It was the night the US bombed Iran and it sent me into a panic attack. Since then, Iv'e doubled my Metoprolol to 10mg and started Lisinopril again. Metoprolol stops release of some enzyme that lowers my heart rate (which wasn't bad, but is now better) and helps stave off the panic attacks. The Lisinopril has some interaction with the blood vessels by relaxing them, giving the blood a wider pipe in which to flow.
I started the second drug three years ago, but after losing weight and starting a daily exercise routine, I stopped taking it. So much for being elastic. Now I'm hooked for life.
I have one thing the doctor is checking with my heart, something about a dragging valve. I am pretty sure this was looked at before in the early 2000's and will turn out to be nothing. My plaque levels in my arteries are acceptable, though could be lower. Blood sugars are reasonable, though not terrific. And cholesterol is low enough. I'm essentially about as healthy as a man in his 50's who neglected his health for 30 years can be.
Maybe all that weekend warrioring on mountain bikes and kayaks and hikes paid some dividends after all. If nothing else, at least I look better.
It's my mental health that is the real challenge. I started Lexapro about a month ago and it seems to be helping. I'm certainly feeling much better these days. Some of that is thanks to mental exercises and how I spend those energies when I wake up in the middle of the night. I've tried focusing on upbuilding things. Positive thoughts. But inevitably, my mind can't stave off the negativity. Some nights, I still think of the people who made me feel whole once. I've found writing and fantasy are the two places where I can genuinely get lost. So I read, I write or I daydream. Anything too grounded in reality, always circles back to the anxiety.
I have the kind of mind that has to stay in drive all the time, or I get into trouble.
There are some other things that will help with all of this. One is a move. We should have pulled that trigger two years ago. The shift in work has made that untenable in the short term unless I can find an actual decently paying job. Another is a good vacation. But that seems like something again that will have to wait until she's healthy enough to travel. I get the sense that she doesn't care much for the road trips. Which is a shame. I spent so much time and money ensuring we could have everything we needed and to just not utilize that is a little heartbreaking. I'd love to just drive around constantly.
Sometimes, you have to find a way through mismatched opinions.
But, that's an argument for another day! For now, we're on the road to managed health and will hopefully find ourselves in the fall having come through the worst of it and getting back to our old selves.
The deaths, loss of jobs and friends, shifting economy and challenges of life have felt (and were) overwhelming). But all things pass, we simply must endure. The minds we were are still here, but buried under a mountain of grief. We'll start the digging process and count on the distant encouragement of those we love and who love us to finally uncover from this disaster of a year.
I sure miss those people. But they’re still in here somewhere, waiting to be found again.
#health #essay #memoir #journal #osxs #100daystooffset #writing
| Name | Artist | Composer | Album | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Evening Blue | Traffic | Steve Winwood, Jim Capaldi | Shoot Out at the Fantasy Factory (1973) | Late-night melancholy with a drifting groove. |
| Song to the Siren | This Mortal Coil | Tim Buckley, Larry Beckett | It'll End in Tears (1984) | Like dreaming underwater. |
| Into My Arms | Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds | Nick Cave | The Boatman’s Call (1997) | A prayer disguised as a love song. |
| River Man | Nick Drake | Nick Drake | Five Leaves Left (1969) | Jazz-laced and quietly mythic. |
| Sea Song | Robert Wyatt | Robert Wyatt | Rock Bottom (1974) | Tidal and intimate—like a secret washed ashore. |
| Northern Sky | Nick Drake | Nick Drake | Bryter Layter (1971) | Hopeful, if you lean in closely. |
| The Ballad of the Sad Young Men | Roberta Flack | Fran Landesman, Tommy Wolf | Chapter Two (1970) | Lush and devastating. |
| These Days | Nico | Jackson Browne | Chelsea Girl (1967) | The sound of wistful regret. |
| Wichita Lineman | Glen Campbell | Jimmy Webb | Wichita Lineman (1968) | Longing on a telephone wire. |
| Teardrop | Massive Attack | Robert Del Naja, Grant Marshall, Andrew Vowles | Mezzanine (1998) | Beats and heartbreak in equal measure. |
| Why Worry | Dire Straits | Mark Knopfler | Brothers in Arms (1985) | Lullaby for the bruised spirit. |
| Suzanne | Leonard Cohen | Leonard Cohen | Songs of Leonard Cohen (1967) | A psalm of desire and devotion. |
Thank you for coming here and walking through the garden of my mind. No day is as brilliant in its moment as it is gilded in memory. Embrace your experience and relish gorgeous recollection.
Into every life a little light will shine. Thank you for being my luminance in whatever capacity you may. Shine on, you brilliant souls!
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— Visit the archive
I welcome feedback at my inbox
“The Vine That Bloomed in Me”
July 12, 2025
There are vines that grow only once in a lifetime—
twisting through the chambers of the heart
as if they’ve always belonged there.
I didn’t notice at first.
The bloom came quietly,
like a scent caught in passing—
lavender, maybe. Or memory.
Now, I feel her everywhere.
In the hush before the birds begin,
in the sunlight falling through leaves,
in the way my coffee tastes
like something shared once upon a time.
And oh—how the ache becomes its own kind of prayer.
Not to remove it.
But to understand it.
To let the longing teach me
how deeply I’ve lived.
How completely I can love.
She was never mine to keep.
But I tend the vine still,
gently,
with wonder.
And when it blooms again—
as it surely will—
I’ll know
I have not been alone in this garden.
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Thank you for coming here and walking through the garden of my mind. No day is as brilliant in its moment as it is gilded in memory. Embrace your experience and relish gorgeous recollection.
Into every life a little light will shine. Thank you for being my luminance in whatever capacity you may. Shine on, you brilliant souls!
— Go back home and read MORE by Wolf Inwool
— Visit the archive
I welcome feedback at my inbox
