DAY 4: Powerless, Together
There are no words for the weight, only the sound it makes dragging through time.
Sunday has been a long, strange day. We are in day 4 of her new hospital stay and the doc today indicated it may be Wednesday before they can release her. I am starting to get the sense that the infection is far worse than they are telling us. As in, if they can't control it, it runs the risk of killing her. Which is unimaginable.
How does a woman so vibrant and fun and full of life go from ebullient in January to death's door in six months? Really not even that long. But that was the last time she didn't have the deaths hanging over her head. I can only guess that the added stress made her more susceptible to this bacteria.
Uhg.
The cruel math of love is that the fear of loss can eclipse even the joy of having someone. I think this is one of the primary stressors leading to my out of control blood pressure. But that's a guess. We have some tests over the next two weeks to check the health of my actual heart that should tell us if it's the culprit or just my body chemistry.
Initial results from a broad spectrum of labs indicate that everything is okay. A little high on the blood sugar, but cholesterol and the rest of the gamut of things is well within the range of what is good to see. So, I'm more concerned that there is a heart issue. We'll know next week.
As for her. We HAVE to get her blood sugar under control. If we can't, the infection will just come back again. And every time, it runs the risk of becoming resistant to antibiotics.
This is a new kind of powerlessness.
Not only am I impotent, everyone I know is too. Even the doctors can only do so much. As for her? Well, she can certainly play a major role, but time will tell if she really wants to apply herself.
I would hope my love and the love of her friends and family would be enough to motivate her. But, if I am honest, I think she's refusing to admit to a deeper depression. Either she doesn't want to, or can't. Probably that she can't. Her personality has limits on its ability to express itself. Where I am a wild stallion of feelings (at least before the drugs I was), she is a timid little pony hiding in the barn.
I wish there were a pill that could open her up the way some of these pills shut me down.
But, it's as good a circumstance as I could hope for all things considered.
I'll keep working to make her feel cared for and supported and try to minimize her anxiety. That's the best I can do for her right now.
Your prayers and thoughts are welcome.
WIWL
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