Seeking Hope
Hope— hope springs eternal, but I'm finding the well dry of late.
My wife's sister is dying of cancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know she's FIGHTING cancer. But she's losing the fight. And it's absolutely devastating. I can throw a rock and hit 35 people the world would be a better place without, but instead it is going to kill a truly genuine and good human. The kind of person that the world needs more of. Not less.
It's been 18 months since the first tiny spot on her left breast. 'It's aggressive' the doctors said. 'We need to move fast and rigorously.' SO, her and her husband's newly retired lifestyle went on hold while she spent every day week after week, month after month getting this treatment and that treatment. Surgery after surgery. Now that the treatments have run their course and we're all expecting an 'all clear', they say instead, 'oh, we're sorry, it looks like it is in your brain and spine now'.
Why? Why spent the last two years fighting this instead of sapping every moment of joy from life? Why waste hours and hours in a chair in a sterile office instead of walking in the giant forests of Northern California? Or swimming in the warm waters off the coast of Florida? See Spain. Eat in Italy. Make love in France.
Hell.
I've lost other friends and family to cancer and it's never a good thing. I know half a dozen breast cancer survivors. One is fighting her second round right now. But they're all living their lives. I also know half a dozen who didn't survive. I suppose losing this soul will eat into my circle of trust. That foundational group of people that I just expect to always be there. It is unbalancing. I worry my wife won't be the same after this.
She has two sisters, both younger. Her middle sister to whom I think she is closest in the world is the one that is dying. My wife isn't like me. I lost both of my sisters 30 years ago and never had the relationship she does. I've learned to exist in this world unmoored from that kind of closeness to another human. Longing for it, but existing without it. When her sister goes, she'll start to learn what I've had to. Her youngest sister, while kind and a lot of fun to be around, just doesn't have the selflessness and compassion that the older does. It's probably the social dynamic of being the baby that's kept them from being closer. The youngest is certainly her mother's favorite. And best friend.
Everyone is being very pragmatic about it. 'Oh, it'll be fine no matter what.' And 'We'll learn to adapt.' But It's making me angry. Which is challenging because I am supposed to be the supportive one, the voice of encouragement in this family circle. The balanced and level thinker through the last 30 years. But now that we are all older (my brothers in law, my nephews and nieces) I find that all the steady and reliable emotional strength I've displayed for my adult life... it's gone.
Would I trade places with her? Definitely. Why not the wretched? I think my wife could and would bounce back from losing me. She won't from losing her little sister. And she doesn't know it yet.
Come, hope. Come soon. You're our only...
Womansign – a poem and essay I wrote shortly after her diagnosis – be forewarned, there are breasts
Thanks for reading and sharing my beautiful lie.
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