i hate you
You built castles with her and now you she is gone.
Sometimes, the voices in your head become so powerful, you start to believe them. And they aren't wrong. Not all of the time anyway.
When she comes back, I panic and drip with desire. When she is gone I am both completely calm and non-stop anxiety. I go out at night and look up at the moon when I think she might be, hoping to pull on the strings of the universe so that she can feel the reverberation of my longing.
I think of her and think of her and think of her. It is driving me insane. I came to this place of my own volition and have no one to blame but myself. And I hate me for it.
Let this be a lesson to you regarding the import of protecting your heart. This infection will go with you all of your days. It's effects you will get better at managing but they will always effect you. In 10 years, this will be a 40 year old problem and you will be a very old man. Maybe this lesson is one that will inform your next life. You have miserably failed at this one, old man.
Son, friend, lover. You have failed at them all.
You're great goal in life, to do no harm. HA! How about the wounded minds and hearts in the wake of your greedy lust?! The girls and boys you loved? The man you called friend and then betrayed with the grease of a little alcohol? The woman you vowed to love and to hold to cherish through good times and bad... for richer or poorer?
Abject failure, indeed.
You glaze your pathetic existence with the praise of people who do not really know the creature you are, this wolf shrouded in a sheepskin suit. Baying harmless bays but really growling with desire for all the wrong and bad you've ever known. A weight and pressure that you have been carrying for 52 years. Though we'll admit that you've done a better job than most in not ruining lives.
Never forget that you are a pathetic coward though. A liar and the off-spring of the father of the lie.
#confession #journal #depression
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