Used the Whole Buffalo
how many roads must a man walk down?
A dream job I got to do for fifteen years ended a few months ago. It lingered for a bit, like the echo of a beautiful song, but I knew a door was closing.
Tonight at midnight, my credentials stopped working.
It’s heartbreaking.
I saw it coming. Still, my local team—my comrades, my supposed support—were no help in softening the blow. I thought we were friends. I thought we’d stand by each other, come what may.
Instead, I learned the hard way what performative relationships really look like. It’s not their fault, not entirely. They can't help being shallow, or not understanding. They never truly grasped what the job was or how much damned time it took.
What they did understand was how eager I was. How capable I was. How useful was.
Was, was, was.
Breathe.
But that’s okay. All good things must come to an end. I have to stay ahead of the bitterness. I have to remember:
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I’m keeping this to myself for now. I can’t bear to tell my family and friends that I lost something so dear. That I screwed around and somehow let go of one of the best things in my life.
Still—there will be room to breathe now, where once there wasn’t.
And one thing’s for damn sure: the next time I say “no,” I will mean it, and I will make sure they hear it.
My biggest flaw—and the slow fuse to my burnout—was my constant urge to please. To support. To make it all happen, no matter what it cost.
Well, to hell with that. That mindset nearly killed me. And the people I did it for? They don’t call. They don’t drop by. They barely muster a text.
I’m doing all I can not to fall into anger or bitterness.
Instead, I want to seek something else: redemption, forgiveness, maybe even a new horizon.
That’s just harder now. My inner compass has always pointed to go, go, go. And now I feel like I’ve been demoted from pilot to passenger.
I’m not an aviator, but I know this: a stalled aircraft only moves in one direction.
Still, I’m greedy in a way—I got to do this work for fifteen years. How much glory does one person need? Sheesh.
This is one of those moments in life when the silver lining is hard to see. I did my best. And maybe it wasn’t good enough. But I gave it everything.
What more could anyone ask?
At least I can say I used the whole buffalo.
Live well, dear reader.
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Thank you for coming here and walking through the garden of my mind. No day is as brilliant in its moment as it is gilded in memory. Embrace your experience and relish gorgeous recollection.
Into every life a little light will shine. Thank you for being my luminance in whatever capacity you may. Shine on, you brilliant souls!
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