Sunrise Greetings January 18, 2025
250118 6am
Good day, my friend! The sun is shining it yet arisen and yet you have already lighted my day with thoughts of your radiance.
I lie here this now thinking of nothing but you and the tragedy that we see separated, ‘divorced’ to put it in your strange words. As if we were ever bound and dedicated to one another in the indelible bonds of matrimony. Alas, it is those bonds that keep us apart. A matter of which I spend no small amount of timing thinking and thinking and think.
How strange that I can think so easily of our years together and apart and find such great comfort in those moments when I experienced you directly or indirectly. Just the knowledge of you has always been enough to warm my heart. But know the knowledge that you are safe and cared for somehow is not enough. Your words of concern about being loved fully linger with me.
I wish you to know that I do love all of you, as I am able. Clearly there are parts to which I simply have no access to, nor likely ever will, but believe me when I say I have the capacity to embrace the most challenging parts and hold on for decades. To soothe those fears and calm the anxiety of not being loved enough.
Indeed, I hope you understand by my very actions just how much I love you. To not pierce the bonds of your vow to him was no small lift. To stay faithful to my own loving soul required tremendous control. I feel like I am driving my life on a razors edge and in constant danger of plummeting to the demise of myself and all those who rely on me.
I do that for love. Love of her, love of him and love for you. I wish I could give all of that love to you. It breaks me in pieces when I think that I cannot. But when you come to our stage in life, our dies are cast and many younger souls depend on our stability. They demand our support and need our happiness. Is this not at the core of the definition of love at 1 Cor 13? Thinking of others before ourselves. It does NOT however, deal with the emotional fallout of want and desire. Of which I have PLENTY. Jellybean's husband is rich in those assets.
I hear the neighbor has started their car. The exhaust is loud and rumbles while the thing warms up. It reverberates softly in the quiet morning.
Is it not lovely, the day? I think of you now, at 730 where you are in your giant house, you and your rich, pragmatic husband, and wonder if you are preparing eggs this morning. You have meeting in two and a half hours. I always loved when you would ask me about meetings. My Jellybean is not, nor has she ever been a deep student of the Bible. Always relying on me for the backbone of spirituality. This is not a terrible condition, but I wish she were more of a student.
Are you excited for today’s lesson? , Article 45 Learn from Parting Words of Faithful Men. This great line:
‘Paradise will have no place for rebels. (Ps. 37:10, 11) People everywhere will obey Jehovah’s righteous laws, which promote unity and peace. Thus, they will love and trust one another. (Isa. 11:9)’
I love and trust you. I do not trust myself. Worry that I am a rebel. Not the kind that wants to push against this authority just to push, but the insidious, seething beneath the surface kind. The kid that wants to do bad so wantonly and yet I keep that beast locked in a cage. A monster always there raging for escape. I hate that about me and I don’t understand why I carry it except to say I cannot kill it and I cannot set it down. What does Matthew say? Desire leads to sin? Maybe I keep feeding my desire. If I could starve that, it would no doubt be a way to weaken the creature in my cage.
But, what if my desire is not some conscious will to just be bad, but some psychological defect that I am powerless against? What if my partner has her own disabilities and as a result is unable to help me cope with mine and this circumstance? And that, my dear, is at the heart of what you describe as not being loved completely.
Par 12 says that obedience leads to success. 'His principles can guide us in such practical matters as employment, education, entertainment, and money. Applying godly wisdom will protect us from lasting harm. '
I don't think I've made wise decisions in ANY of these areas. I feel like a goddamned fool.
I thought I could bear a lifetime of bad decisions. But as I approach 4 decades of my own decisions, I suck at it.
Love you. Miss you. You are in my heart and I've lost my head.
Love always, Charlie
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Thank you for coming here and walking through the garden of my mind. No day is as brilliant in its moment as it is gilded in memory. Embrace your experience and relish gorgeous recollection.
Into every life a little light will shine. Thank you for being my luminance in whatever capacity you may. Shine on, you brilliant souls!
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