Supplication of the Damned
Help me.
Help me help me help me…
Oh! God, where is this peace? Why am I filled with this loss, frustration and sadness? Am I not a good man? Have I not done well? Made decisions for the benefit of all and not my own selfish want!
Death is in me, death is of me, death is on me… I stink of it. I tire of it.
I welcome it.
No doubt, my God, you are more weary than I, facing the suffering of this family since our beginning. But, I would be remiss if I ignored your omnipotence as compared to my powerless impotence. My weak, pathetic intellect is breaking (broken) under this.
It is not death, after all, that is the problem, it is the living—both the doing of it as well as dealing with those that continue in it.
As the treasure hunter scrapes away those last rocky kernels covering the chest, so my sanity is brushed away to open the vault of my mind only to discover an empty vessel. No riches of strength, wisdom or fortitude. Just piles and piles of promissory notes that one day I would be a spiritual giant, capable of facing these difficult times with gratitude and graciousness.
Her madness is my madness. Where is my strong arm to support her? Make this all better? I have nothing but desperation and anger this morning.
Words of consolation feel meaningless… exciting my lack of faith. Faith! Where have I laid this cloak that served me so well through the storms all these many years? Has the wicked one been so effective in dressing me in my own hubris that I can no longer even recall its fit?
Jehovah is my Shepherd. I will lack nothing. In grassy pastures he makes me lie down; He leads me to well-watered resting-places. He refreshes me. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for the sake of his name. Though I walk in the valley of deep shadow, I fear no harm, For you are with me; Your rod and your staff reassure me. You prepare a table for me before my enemies. You refresh my head with oil; My cup is well-filled. Surely goodness and loyal love will pursue me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of Jehovah for all my days.
My shepherd. My shepherd. My shepherd.
#essay #death #confession #100DaysToOffload #Writing
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Thank you for coming here and walking through the garden of my mind. No day is as brilliant in its moment as it is gilded in memory. Embrace your experience and relish gorgeous recollection.
Into every life a little light will shine. Thank you for being my luminance in whatever capacity you may. Shine on, you brilliant souls!
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