The Darkest Timeline
When is it darkest again? I forget.
When you are in a dark place, look for the bright point. There is always one. You will be drawn to it and it will save you. Or burn you. If you writhe in its warmth remember the empty cold you left behind.
Night Time
When the moon is full
I bask, gaze east,
Ask the wind —
Are you there?
This faithful witness
Showers us in glory
At once,
half a world away.
Dark expanse of heaven
wraps us in embrace,
Little different from
adjusted celestial pricks.
A thousand years changed
Less in the canvas
Than these thousand miles.
Yet, still, I call your name.
Strange fantasy at play
These incorporeal connections
A heart can drive to madness,
And I was mad to begin.
Genesis 49:14,15 “Issachar is a strong ass, lying down between the two saddlebags. And he will see that the resting-place is good and that the land is pleasant. He will bend his shoulder to bear the burden and will submit to forced labor.”
I have a favorite saying: “I was born a mule, I will die a mule.” It is my way of accepting whatever comes my way, good, bad, or otherwise. And there's a lot of otherwise. Spending your life in service to others is a laudable and commendable way to live. But it will take a toll. Jesus famously told us that there is more happiness in giving than in receiving. But he never said we shouldn’t receive.
A mule will trudge tirelessly, burden born without complaint, until it collapses from exhaustion. He depends on his drover to think about the animal's needs and supply them. The mule's job, after all, is not to care for and manicure himself, but to move heavy loads. So, as long as the driven and the driver both do their job, everyone wins.
But, living as we do in a time when commodification and efficiency make living hardly possible, it is easy for the needs of the mule to be ignored and forgotten. This naturally is disastrous to both parties. If the mule drops dead, the master moves no cargo and the mule can no longer find satisfaction in fulfilling his intended purpose to the fullest degree.
Take care of your mules. We don't last forever.
I'm starting to claw my way out of a massive burnout and emotional crash. The last couple of years have seen Wolfiniius try to carry more and more. Asking for help is a start, but it requires reciprocity from those we ask. It isn't enough to say, “We'll give that some thought.” If you see someone in your life overburdened, don't just point it out, offer real help or suggestions to help save the soul before it is lost.
I don't know if I will ever find my way back to the place I was before. 18 hour days week after week and happy to just be useful. Now, if I get in two productive hours in a 24h period, it's a win. It feels like an implosion and something I didn't think myself capable of.
I admit to a curiosity of what the long-term financial solution to this state is. Maybe running out of money will be the cure. You can live in this world without heart or brain, but NOT without cash.
Now, let's go back to Issachar, one of Jacobs sons and the father of one of the 12 tribes of Israel. On his deathbed, Issachar's father told him that he would be a hard worker in behalf of his brothers. True to the prophecy, some 200 years later, after the land flowing with milk and honey had been given to the the nation, Issachar's descendants would become known for their hard work in not only cultivating the land but for the benefit of their fellow brothers and sisters. And they were known to support the physical battles of the nation as well. Specifically, Issachar is mentioned in the Bible as supporting the defense against Sisera during the time of the Judges. So that tribe of descendants really put their lives on the line. Not just dying for those around them, but living for them as well.
And they were praised for this. Service to others is worthwhile—but it can be deeply taxing.
The lesson I’m learning is this: Helping others is one of the best ways to live. But, we MUST care for our NEEDS first.
This is not selfishness. It is the opposite. For the stronger we are, the more of a load that can be born. A strong mule is a happy mule, just as a strong, well-cared-for person is better able to help others.
The inverse is equally true: a weak mule is a dead mule. In the end, we are all headed to the long house of our fathers. Buy why rush the conclusion?
Live long and prosper.
Revelation 19: 11-13 — I saw heaven opened, and look! a white horse. And the one seated on it is called Faithful and True, and he judges and carries on war in righteousness. His eyes are a fiery flame, and on his head are many diadems. He has a name written that no one knows but he himself, and he is clothed with an outer garment stained with blood, and he is called by the name The Word of God.
I’ve done it all.
Whatever was asked.
Not always with aplomb
But I did it.
Isn’t that worth something?
Hell,
I was a little kid
And it’s never
Stopped being hard
It’s hard doing this
It’s hard doing that
Hard hard hard
When does the hard stop?
Only with the closing of my eyes
In the final step?
It’s too long of a journey
Without enough respite.
There’s no escape
No out
No easy mode.
So what’s the point?
The work? Is that the point?
To live like dogs
And die like dogs?
Happiness is only ever a veneer.
#poetry #memoir #confession #essay #osxs #write #100DaysToOffload
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Thank you for coming here and walking through the garden of my mind. No day is as brilliant in its moment as it is gilded in memory. Embrace your experience and relish gorgeous recollection.
Into every life a little light will shine. Thank you for being my luminance in whatever capacity you may. Shine on, you brilliant souls!
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