We Carry It Inch by Inch
We are hard-pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out.
These are dark days. I wrote a long story about my mental state, but I'm not ready to publish it. It isn’t great, but I’m trying—brute force, if necessary—to change my thinking.
One thing I'm doing is talking. A lot.
I'm calling old friends and when they ask how I am doing, I am honest in my response. 'Not great'.
I never wanted to be one of those people you avoid because when you ask 'how are you' they inundate you with a litany of problems... but this I hope is different. I am and have always been a 'I'm fine' kind of guy. Even when I'm not, I know I will be.
It's harder to see the 'I will be.' At least emotionally. Intellectually I know it's not possible for things to NOT work out for the best. Fear and pressure are like that.
You are a potato, an egg or a tea bag.
If you are a potato and the heat is on, you go mushy and soft.
An egg, you harden and become brittle.
But a tea bag. It changes the environment it's in to something better, more profound. Tasty. That's my current goal: to find that balance.
One of the things that's coming out of my conversations is that NONE of my friends is fine. They are all, everyone to a man, troubled and anxious and under trial. Now, either I have such weird taste in friends that we are all facing overwhelming odds, OR something bigger and more sinister is going on.
One man, who spent his life building and selling businesses, finally decided to cash out and move to Europe. 6 months ago he was traveling and found the perfect island to spend the last part of his life teaching refugees the Bible. Today, the sale is in jeopardy because of unseen occurrences in the company and the faltering economy.
Another, married and left a lifelong dream of full time service to God making animation and visual effects based on the Bible. His new wife couldn't take the self-sacrifice required and he needed to find more profitable work. Easily one of the smartest men I have ever known, a new child, ongoing family strife with his bride and the implosion of the advertising industry has left him in free fall. He's seeing a therapist and it is helping him work through it. But he admitted he's been struggling with suicidal thoughts. To the point of shopping life insurance that would care for his family in the event of an accident.
A third man, also among the most intelligent of mankind, with a terrific job for one of the most profitable companies in the world and who left a lifetime of full-time volunteer service now finds himself adopting his 4th child in an effort to keep his wife of many decades happy. He loves the children and wants the best, but the stress of life's demands are overwhelming him. He has found some stability through therapy and he's currently just trying to make each day as good as it can be and raise his children.
My final case study in this writing is another longtime and trusted ally. He left Dust Meridian to make his wife happy and she found she was equally miserable in her new home outside of one of the largest and most prosperous cities in the state. After five years there, she felt like only the ocean could bring her happiness. So he moved her to Florida. It was not the silver bullet he hoped for. She is still unhappy. They are desperate to conceive a child, but unable and it's breaking both of their hearts. The conflict between them is the worst of my 4 friends and has grown violent at times. The ocean has brought them only misery as they cannot achieve their goals and find themselves under more financial duress than they ever imagined. and on top of everything he needs surgery on his knees as the cartilage is worn through on both. It's very painful.
Of the four, all confessed (without prompting) to having suicidal thoughts. One actually attempted but woke from his stupor after ingesting a bottle of sleeping pills and was able to expunge the dosage before it took terminal hold.
These men are not statistics. They are anchors in my life—and seeing them shaken is shaking me, too. There are others who are struggling, but we haven't had a chance to wade into the weeds like these. I expect I will uncover more desperation.
None of them—who all live thousands of miles from me in places most people only dream of living—would I have EVER classified as being flaky, unreliable or in any way 'crazy'. Yet, their circumstances have become emotionally untenable.
I feel much less alone...
Though not much better.
Life under the current set of circumstances is designed to do one thing: grind us into dust. No wonder depression is haunting us. Personally, we have lost so much this last year. It is an incredible shock to me that things changed as quickly as they did after flowing so smoothly for so long. But here we are. I am thankful we both at least have some measure of health and the opportunity to keep it that way.
I am thankful to God for that.
Wherever you are, whatever you are doing. Don't give up. Things will get better. This too shall pass. They will probably get worse first, and it won't pass as quickly as you would like. But remember, there is someone who loves you and prays for you. You may not see them or speak with them often enough, but they are there. And for now, that will have to do.
Here is a beautiful clip from The Boy, the Mole, the Fox – and the Horse
And remember:
Mile by mile, it's a trial.
Yard by yard, it's hard.
Inch by inch, it's a cinch.
Every sunset is another success.
WolfCast Home Page – Listen, follow, subscribe
Thank you for coming here and walking through the garden of my mind. No day is as brilliant in its moment as it is gilded in memory. Embrace your experience and relish gorgeous recollection.
Into every life a little light will shine. Thank you for being my luminance in whatever capacity you may. Shine on, you brilliant souls!
— Go back home and read MORE by Wolf Inwool
— Visit the archive
I welcome feedback at my inbox
