I panicked yesterday
....while talking to a friend.
(Did you think I'd forgotten about my baby blog? No. Things got a bit wild, and I stepped away. But I didn't forget.)
Anyway, I panicked yesterday.
I was chatting over discord to a friend. I'll call this friend “TheCat.” TheCat and I were both having a lot of feelings over the situation in the Ukraine. I couldn't stop worrying about my young students. Some of them are still in high school. And I keep seeing their faces and imaging what a few years of war will do to their innocence. And it makes me want to cry. I mentioned, along the way, that I was looking for something to distract me from these feelings. I needed something to distract me before I ended up in bed sobbing into a pillow.
So, we talked. We talked about Ukraine and the news coming from there. We talked about other things. We told stories. We told jokes. We had a nice conversation as one does with a friend.
He mentioned his wife worked with a young woman who had recently become pregnant by her fiancé, a young marine. And they hadn't had any worries...
Then I mentioned that I was watching the new Allie Wong special. And how she's very very not suitable for work “or, in fact, a lot of normal people, but... she just made a very funny joke about how she's met the entire cast of the Avengers and what she would like them to do. So... distraction achieved.”
And then I thought. “Oh, shit. Oh crap. Oh no.” and I scrambled to recover.
“How old is this marine soon-to-be-baby-daddy?” I asked, to demonstrate that I had, in fact, been listening to him.
Panic set in. OMG OMG OMG. I SAID I WAS DISTRACTED!!! NOW HE'S GONNA THINK I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYTHING HE SAID OH SHIT I NEED TO START DRAFTING MY MOST EXCELLENT APOLOGY NAOW!!! I was FOR SURE going to have to listen to AT LEAST a four-hour lecture about what a disappointment I was as a friend. And then I would need to craft ANOTHER apology. With promises to do better. And admissions of how much I suck as a friend. But now that I know how much I suck, I will at least try to do better. And I need to try to do all this without an emotional reaction, because if I do have an emotional reaction, then I'm stealing the focus and making it about me. OH GOD. OH NO.
But then... I had an amazing realization.
My friend... TheCat, was not like that. TheCat did not treat me like that. TheCat had never once made me cry myself to sleep. Or given me the silent treatment. Or told me I was a terrible friend.
And I settled the hell down. And I told him I started to panic and then remembered he wasn't like that.
An hour or so later TheCat came back and told me “You're golden.” Because he's not toxic.
So, I had a couple thoughts. The first was: Why in the world did I stay in a relationship so long when panics like that were commonplace? WHY?
And second: If you are in a relationship where panics like that are common for you, make plans to get out. It's not healthy. It's not good. And if I can help in any way at all, reach out. I will help you.
.Worthy, Deserving, Enough
.Worth as much as a cat