November 5th, 2021, at approximately 2:30pm...
I took an action that effectively ended a friendship that had become harmful to me.
It wasn't what I wanted – ending that friendship. I wanted that friendship to stop hurting me.
But it seems that was not a thing I could have. I could have that friendship and constant emotional pain. Or I could not have that friendship.
And so now I exist in this world without the people I considered my best friends. There's a hole where my other parts used to be. I miss them terribly.
But I don't miss the crying myself to sleep.
I don't miss the constant knot of anxiety.
I don't miss the non-stop fear that I will say the wrong word, and everything will fall apart (we once had a four-hour argument because I called one of them “good.” Yes. Really. REALLY.).
I still care deeply for them. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop caring for them. Probably things would be easier for me if I could.
But on that day, Nov 5, 2021, at about 2:30 pm, the pain and hurt and abuse reached my breaking point. My limit.
And for only the second time with these friends, I set a boundary.
Which, it turns out, was unacceptable to them.
I have so many feelings about what happened. Some are tremendously empowering. Some are full of pain and regrets.
But I'm a person who needs to express their feelings. So, I've chosen this platform to do it.
I don't want to hurt them. So, I'm going to go out of my way to keep their identities concealed. People who know me IRL will know who I'm talking about, sure. But I'm not looking to trash my ex-bests. I'm just wanting to work through my own feelings.
And if that helps anyone else along the way, cool.
.Worthy, Deserving, Enough
.Worth as much as a cat