November 5th, 2021, at approximately 2:30pm...
…was a year ago today.
I reached the end of my tolerance.
My desire to be a good friend couldn’t stand any more against the pain and fear and constant dread.
TheHedgehog messaged me to tell me how once again I’d been a horrible disappointment to them as a friend.
And… I was done. I just could not any more.
And I committed an unforgivable sin. I stood up for myself. I set a boundary. It wasn’t allowed. I wasn’t allowed boundaries.
It’s been hard. I know it’s been hard for all of us. Not just the three of us, but for everyone involved.
I had hoped this blog would be therapeutic for me, but eventually I became afraid to post on it, for fear of reprisals. I know trouble can roil back up at any time. Just the other day I posted something on twitter about how I realized I wasn’t safe in the game we played together because I misunderstood how ‘unfriending’ worked and TheBadger responded by making a point of letting me know that I wasn’t.
I’d hoped that maybe someone who needed help would find this blog. And maybe some of the early posts helped them. I know that finding other people who have broken away from narcissistic relationships and finding how incredibly similar our stories are is helpful to me.
Just a few nights ago, a year after things broke off, a close friend and I talked late into the night, rehashing things and realizing that we’re honestly not even close to being over it.
I don’t know how much I’ll post on here again. As I said, I fear for reprisals and honestly, all I want is peace.
But I wanted to mark the one year point because it was such a huge moment. I’m not celebrating. But I am remembering. Because it was a moment of change. Whatever happens, I’m not going back to who I was.
If you are being hurt in your relationship, get help. I was surprised, and grateful, by how many people were just waiting for me to reach out for help. There was a safety net waiting for me. It had been there for a long time, I just didn’t know it. If you need help, it may already be there. Reach for it. Don’t live with pain and fear and doubt another moment.
.Worthy, Deserving, Enough
.Worth as much as a cat