Enough or not enough? More than enough
For many years I lived under an illusion that I was not enough
So I drove myself to succeed where I could
(and more quietly to avoid the situations where I wasn't sure I could succeed, but perhaps that's another story...)
Eventually my perfectionist protective performance provided potential proof that I was enough compared to others.
“Hell yeah!”
I said quietly to myself from time to time
But there was no proof.
Because it wasn't true.
Comparison is not a pathway to sufficiency or acceptance
The old saying turns out to be true:
Comparison remains the thief of joy.
For a few years there I lived under an illusion that I was enough.
So I relied on my gifts and abilities.
I tracked my accomplishments,
Stacking them high enough that I can't see them all at once.
Doing good and being good.
Making the world a better place.
“Hooray!”
And then the ironic discovery came
My external validation of being enough was sustenance for a hungry ghost
My insecure ego, fearing desperately the possibility of not being enough for even a moment, was addicted to a buffet of validation and accomplishment
Eating too fast to even taste.
How could I feel so full and be so empty?
Clearly not by my own decisions or actions
Probably not even by my own mindset or disposition
I have learned that I can feel enough, and I am enough
But not on my own.
I am enough in the eyes of the Holy Spirit.
Special just like every other child of God.
A joke that used to make me laugh with insecurity
Now makes me cry with joy.
Lamenting the life lived within an illusion of solitude
Embracing the gift of union with a loving Creator
Hallelujah!
I don't have to be enough because my Savior was, is, and always will be More than enough