Life is constantly changing.
I am slightly gaining and losing weight.
My feelings change from moment to moment.
Somehow there is a pattern to it all on the surface that I call myself.
I don't fear change when I can see it.
If I can see the change then I know it's not me that is changing.
But what do I do when change threatens the patterns that I call myself?
The rate of change in my life becomes so strong that I can not avoid transformation.
Terrifying! The patterns I called myself are changing... is part of me dying?
As I struggle through the transformation, there is a deep sadness and pain in letting go of what used to be.
I grief the loss of a life I thought I would have, even if I no longer want it.
Perhaps this is because I am afraid of the pattern changing.
On the surface I fear that transforming my self means that part of me will be lost forever to a sort of death.
I breathe in, realizing that parts of me die and are reborn each and every day.
I take a closer look and see that that the surface pattern I called self is but a facade.
There is a deeper me, far beneath patterns of behavior and desire.
That instrinsic self, that true and faithful me, is unwavering.
Layers of surface and patterned self are slowly and painfully removed, making way for the part of me that knows God.