Zampanò

Dear Reader,

Thinking positively, my parents and teachers used to tell me I could do whatever I wanted when I got older. But not only did this prove to be iffy from a practical standpoint (thanks to a combination of as-yet undiagnosed ADHD and the 2008 Financial Crisis), there was a bigger issue: no one ever taught me how to figure out what that actually is.

So now I sit here, a mid-level bureaucrat in a large government organ, feeling unfulfilled. I would say my job is a societal wash - neither negative nor positive once all the factors I can think of have been considered. At its core, it's peak liberalism: trying to force a human-comprehensible, rule-based structure onto areas of human life that are far too complex to be modeled accurately (at least with current technology, and God help us if this ever changes). It's thus difficult to really feel good about what I'm doing, even if I don't feel actively bad about it. What I do feel is a lot of general boredom above and beyond what can be explained by ADHD.

If I look back on how I got here, it was often a case of trying to escape a bad situation rather than moving towards a good one. I came out of grad school into the worst economic situation since the Great Depression of the 1930s, and so had to take what I could get. The result was starting low by all applicable metrics, then trying to claw back some of what had been lost. But a lot of it wasn't even about pay or prestige, it was that it took me years to find a healthy working environment (i.e. one not run by assholes). That this is the best I've been able to do in more than a decade, despite doing everything I was supposed to do, is a source of no small amount of frustration.

So I went from unemployed to temporary work doing mind-numbing grind with one of the most transparently evil corporations on the planet. From there I got into the bureaucracy, first as another temp gig and then a more permanent one in a related department. But there I faced terrible (read: actively hostile) management and little job satisfaction, plus insultingly low pay for what I was doing. I finally tried self-employment, but that was out of abject misery in where I was rather than any real desire to work for myself in the field I was in. This lasted less than a year before I went back into a different (and healthier) bureaucratic setting. The pattern is clear - just jumping out of desperation due to the building being on fire rather than a considered choice of alternatives and options. I have managed to move up in certain senses, as I said, and I'm certainly happier where I am now than I ever was with any previous employer. But happier doesn't necessarily mean happy, and there's still a lot missing.

Of course, if I'm honest, it's not at all clear what the mythical alternatives would actually have been. I ask myself sometimes, as we all do, what I would do if I didn't actually have to work. I can never really come up with an answer beyond “writing” in some vague way. On that note, my therapist told me earlier today that I'm good at pontificating (which she meant in a positive sense, despite what that word often entails). This is the first time in years that it's been suggested that I have a skill to offer that is something people actually do.

Where I start to get stuck is not having a niche to write about (which is why I write mostly about myself). I'm not a political scientist, I'm not a boffin of any kind, I'm not sure as I have expertise in much of anything. This isn't so much self-criticism as it is being realistic; how many people want to read amateurish opinions on something? In other words, I'm too conscious of how much I don't know that I don't know, and often over-estimate it.

So again, I was told that I could do anything. But as the Last Psychiatrist once said, “Everything is possible, but nothing is attainable.” The first thing I've had to make peace with is inability when it comes to career success. My brain doesn't work in a way that lets me stay rigidly focused for long, and I often have the problem of not shutting up when I should. This isn't me trying to put a positive spin on being a jerk to co-workers; it's more that I don't play office politics well. I'm not bad to people, I just don't play the game, and have difficulty sublimating my own views of what's right to those of the broader organization. I take it too personally if an authority figure disagrees but won't let me hash it out, and I do tend to try to carry on arguments for too long.

Perhaps by greatest professional sin, though, is that I refuse to network. It's not out of misanthropy; on the contrary, it's about honesty to each other. The commodification of social interactions warrants its own post, but needless to say it's something I hate with every fiber. So I don't do it or any of the other little games you're supposed to do to get a job (such as cold-message someone on LinkedIn, which I was on the receiving end of once upon a time). I've also ended up within a rather small niche within my broader field, and there's simply not much in the way of mobility. 

Ultimately, however, none of this is important, because I have no clear goal in mind. Everything becomes boring to me after more or less time, and I'm not convinced there actually is some mythical perfect field that I could always do. But more significantly for the moment, I was never taught how to figure out what it is that I like.

When you grow up gifted, people just assume you'll do something great. My family all had, and even if they didn't find any significant prestige or fame, they certainly became successful, authoritative members of their respective fields. They have plenty to be proud of in terms of personal accomplishment. When they tell you that you can do whatever you want, there's an implication that it won't be a mud farmer.

So it's hard not to be disappointed, not just in my job but in myself. All my forebears did Important Things before retiring in relative luxury. I was supposed to do Important Things, but at this point I feel like I've missed my shot. Meanwhile, it feels like it's past the time I could just let go of it all and fall into some Laschian nirvana.

As in that previous post, I'm not sure what I'm left with. Letting go of these aspirations, no matter how vague they may be, feels very much like giving up on something important. I think perhaps I need to work on learning patience.