Zampanò

This is going to be somewhat rant-y.

I’ll hopefully get something longer written about this at some point, but for now a brief post will have to do.

I struggle a lot with finding satisfaction in...things. I have to be careful, because at least some of this is biochemical, and it’s easy to find something that would make sense as a cause and assume that it’s actually the cause (as opposed to the aforementioned biochemical difficulties).

With that said, I have difficulty finding enjoyment in my career as a lawyer. The more experience I’ve gotten the less I’ve enjoyed it, although I have to include the caveat that I haven’t been able to go in the direction that I necessarily would’ve wanted.

Regardless, part of my dissatisfaction is that the law all comes back to people. It’s not some objective thing that we’re trying to understand and make use of. Instead, we as lawyers are stuck trying to navigate a universe that was entirely created by other people. With those situations where the law doesn’t work, it’s because people screwed it up, and by the same token, people can fix it.

Why this leads to this malaise on my part is less clear. This inherent arbitrariness of laws (even under the best of circumstances) somehow means that working with them just becomes frustrating rather than a worthwhile problem to solve. I think my feeling boils down to: I wouldn’t have to do all this (put my client through all this, etc.) if someone else hadn’t set things up this way. And it’s not like it’s about trying to figure out the best way to handle a problem most of the time; the law cares about what the law says, not what the results ultimately are.

I recognize, at least intellectually, that from my (and any client’s) perspective, the law is no more mutable than some physical aspect of the universe. I don’t know why I can’t internalize that, or at the least be content with some idea like “trying to make things apply equally.” I just can’t see past the fact that it doesn’t have to be this way.

...

For a long time, I’ve seen myself as being very non-competitive. In some respects this is still true, but in others I think the opposite is the case. In those instances, this idea of being non-competitive was how I forced myself to avoid competition because of how much I (sometimes) don’t like to lose. From what I can tell, it’s less an ego thing and more a case of how easy it is for me to become emotionally invested in whatever I’m doing, such that not being successful at it (which includes “losing” in some situations) can be really rough emotionally.

So for example, I have a really hard time with e.g. court opinions I think are wrong. They make me inordinately angry and just generally upset; while understandable, this is not really healthy. It means I have to keep myself away from a lot of goings-on, and it means that dealing with a case as a lawyer that I’m really passionate about is dangerous, especially if things don’t go my way. This expands to other areas too, and is one of the reasons I’ve been unable to find some kind of homeostasis with regards to my job. I’m either all in to a fault or entirely disconnected. The latter has allowed me to remain sane while still doing this work, but it does inhibit any kind of job satisfaction. (That I’m bored as hell doesn’t help.)

In the case of legal issues, I think these two things are tied together. When I see what appears to me to be the right answer, especially from a moral one, it’s very upsetting when things go in a different direction. This is true in plenty of areas, to be clear, and is why I keep myself away from current events as much as humanely possible.

For example, the blatant abuse of power that’s ongoing in the Young Thug trial in Georgia has been driving me up the wall, and I’m both morbidly fascinated by how it seems to continue getting worse and the broader implications. If nothing else, I can’t imagine this is the first case of this level of witness tampering and subsequent shenanigans. It just happened to take place this time in a trial subject to a lot more publicity and with a defendant who has the resources to hire good (superlative, actually) defense counsel.

This is the main reason I nope’d very quickly out of criminal defense work: the deck is heavily stacked against the defendant. Granted, a defense lawyer’s job isn’t actually to get an acquittal, but given how few non-lawyers understand this, it was still pretty dissatisfying.

Anyway, the end result is me ending up in a profession that I have in some ways lost faith in. Not lawyers specifically, but more with my ability to operate within the system as it currently exists.

I’m not sure what the next step actually is, of course. I’m plenty good at sitting on the internet and telling people they’re wrong, but it’s surprisingly hard to do that professionally (as opposed to the vibrant amateur community). If nothing else, you have to convince someone that you’re worth listening to, which is more than a little difficult in itself. This is to say nothing of how little stomach I have for politics.

So it goes, or I suppose doesn’t in this case.