A bit of confused resentment
I drove past old town coffee today, and I got upset when I saw it. For a little bit of context, a (close?) friend S started working there a few months ago and found some friends from there. I instantly noticed how that first gut reaction was that, and tried to pry apart why I felt that way. I think it’s because I feel like I’ve been cast aside as a friend by S and L, and I just don’t feel like they’ve really tried to keep me in their lives. Honestly, typing this out just kinda depresses me. I had an automatic thought pop into my head earlier today, of “you may lose me”. I wanted these friends to know that I’m not just someone who can be forgotten and then resumed whenever, but at the same time I know that being that person would probably be more healthy. I may be wrong about this but in my eyes that behavior of being a low maintenance friend is only when a friendship doesn’t mean that much to you. Like there’s no aspect of really wanting that friendship, because you’re content just going to whoever is more convenient at that time.
I do feel kinda sad that neither of them have been even tangentially excited about my new car, like when I saw S last she didn’t even ask to see the car even after it was brought up several times in conversation by others. This isn’t really a massive thing to me but it’s just the fact that I’m realizing of how little we are compatible as friends. We don’t really share interests, and once the convenience of things stop they’re pretty quick to stop putting in effort. I know I’m kinda just depression-convincing myself to self-isolate, but I do feel hurt by how one-sided trying to stay remotely close has felt.
I guess it’s a little bit weird, I jumped a few thoughts kinda quick but I did want to at least notarize the thought of how many of my days are done privately. I kinda just wish I had enough friends who were connected enough to be able to tell people something daily. The person I feel most comfortable just interacting with is S (different S), but even then he’s kinda stopped responding as much. I think he’s busy, but it does kinda start to get to me how he doesn’t text me. I sometimes feel like if I went quiet or disappeared the world wouldn’t notice. I know that’s a cliche, but it’s a very real, almost terrifying thought for me. I don’t say terrifying because it feels more like a grim, dread-inducing reality. I get jealous of others, because they have so many frequent interactions. But no one asks or shares anything of meaning to me. As a result I just feel like I’m a short little video to be scrolled past, and instantly forgotten. I’m a human. But I don’t know what I’ve been feeling like in periods like this. If I stopped texting people I don’t think they would really notice. Instead we would just drift away irreparably. This feels horribly unfair to me, I feel like someone just trying to hold onto 4 different strings that are slowly pulling away from me. Am I not someone worth staying around? I wish my friends would text me more, and I can only fantasize or speculate about people asking about how I am or what I’m doing or anything else to really just acknowledge that I’d be missed in some way.
Wow that got depressing, and something else to add onto the list of things to feel immeasurable shame at when I look back at it. But also I feel like I need somewhere to put these feelings. God knows I don’t really have anyone right now close enough that I could ask to talk to for support, I’m on pause right now for pretty much everyone.
If I’m being a hypocrite, I don’t want to defend myself – but at the same time I just want to be thought of and wanted.
Situation – I feel like no-one would really notice if I disappeared. I think I’m a little bit transparent about what I mean about that.
Thoughts – I think I should test that out and prove myself right.
Feelings – Resigned, depressed, alone, and suicidal.
Behavior – Who knows.
I wrote down thoughts below, but it’s been a few minutes and I’ve stopped writing.
Thoughts – Everyone’s busy with their own lives right now. Depression is just incredibly loud because you’re horribly stressed, a lot of things have gone bad in life right now, and it’s one of those periods where you’re very lonely because everyone’s busy or gone. But this will pass.
Feelings – I feel like breaking down and crying, but partially because I can think this is temporary.
Behavior – I don’t consider suicide.