An Open Letter

I was struggling on how to put this in to words, but one way of saying how I’ve been feeling is like the Cm7 chord. While typically the C chord is X32010, Cm7 is X32000; a one step difference. While the C chord normally sounds like a happy ending, a clean warm resolution, the one minor note on the B string adds a question mark to the end.

Cm7 is the end of a day out with friends, of great times, but the ending feeling of sadness when sitting at home at night. Not because the night wasn’t fun, or that you’re sad its over, but rather because you still ultimately feel sad. It’s almost a question, on why you did everything right but you still come back to the baseline of being sad.

Cm7 is treating yourself to one of your favorite foods, and then not enjoying it. The food is the same, it still tastes nice, but it doesn’t make you happy.

Cm7 is the feeling of winning a tournament, and the second the adrenaline of the final seconds wears off, the sobering realization you still are sad.

If C is a smile at the end of a happy memory, Cm7 is the reminder of the baseline sadness you bear, and how all of this effort was for waste; as it all just becomes a memory to be forgotten. It’s a happy shell, with a somber aftertaste.

I’ve spent time with friends, I’ve played games that I normally enjoy, I ate some of my favorite foods, but at the end of the day the B string lingers; all I’m left with is the feeling of confusion and apathy, being worried on why I’m falling back into this spiral when I’ve done nothing wrong.