A bit of juice left
Today was the first time in a while that I had some semblance of a fire. I once heard someone talking about the problems with dreaming – and how it was just prematurely getting high off of an achievement. I felt like it was just stealing joy from that thing if it ever did happen. I don’t know if I stole joy or if there wasn’t much to begin with, but I at least felt this with my whole lifting goal I guess. I had watched so many videos of Matthias Steiner and just wanted to chase that high. I wanted something to overwhelm me, and fully encompass me for just a moment. I wanted to shake, just like he did on that stage. But when the time came, the lights were more of a soft glow. Faint enough that I didn’t notice they were on. I somehow find myself still getting high off of that dream, of some event that already had passed. I find myself thinking about just collapsing shaking in utter disbelief of my achievement in the face of adversity. I have to remind myself that it had already happened, and nothing like that happened. I miss the rage.