A digital pity party
I don’t like the idea of S reading this, since I think I’ve hit the point where I have to somewhat carefully portray myself to them. Unfortunately, I don’t think they really understand some things and so I’d rather just not have to deal with that can of worms. But also I guess I kinda do think about this in terms of other people. I always think that everyone has their own tragically bad childhood, but sometimes people don’t. Everyone has their problems, and ironically enough I think a lack of those problem is another problem in itself, but having the conversation with S was kinda painful. S didn’t understand how they were making me feel and when I would try to explain that to them they would get kinda aggressive and there was not much chance they would be able to listen to what I had to say, since they were saying “I understand what you’re saying and I can read emotion and tell what you’re feeling” no matter what. Today they mentioned how they were going across the country for a few days as a trip for a coworkers birthday, during midterms week. That sounds sick and I’d hope that they’re getting along well if that’s happening so quickly lol. But also I do feel sad because I’m thinking about how my dreaded birthday is coming up soon. 21 days. I wish I could skip it. I wish somehow S could come visit for it, I miss him. I feel like if V was not super far away we could do some stupid fun shit and that would be a blast. Same with A, he’d prob be down to do something fun. I’m kinda worried about A, because I don’t want her to be bogged down with all of my shit. I just hate this time of year. I wish I was allowed to have friends as a kid. Birthday parties would have been great. What else can I do but mourn this shit now, it’s not like I’ll ever be able to have another childhood. It’s kinda sad to think about how the thought of childhood is terrifying to me. Nostalgia just kinda feels like a concept that I’m aware of, but I never really feel it for the same things everyone talks about. I’ve never had nostalgia for summer, since it’s just been me locked in my room physically isolated from everyone else. Covid was honestly nicer than before since other people were also online. I tell myself that the benefit of this is that I’m good academically and financially well off, but I can’t help but mourn the lack of a family. I’d gladly trade money to have a family. I get an angry kind of sad when people talk about family stuff, or when they lean on family for support; what am I supposed to do? I’ve poured myself into school and studying because if I’m focused on something else and my brain doesn’t stop moving I don’t have to think about the rest. I become so incredibly bitter around this time of year, it’s not fair I don’t have a family while everyone else I know does. I would give so much to have childhood me not become who I am. I wish younger Anshuman was loved, I can’t even bring myself to ask for the love to be unconditional. I realized recently in a therapy session that to be loved or liked I didn’t even need to be anything, I just needed to give space to someone else. That’s the closest I’ve ever come to understanding unconditional love towards me, since for the first time I didn’t think I had to provide something to get it.
S kept rubbing in how she had a secure attachment style and wasn’t insecure about being loved, and that cut so fucking deeply. I’m sorry that it hurts me this much and I’m sorry that I didn’t have parents that hugged me, told me they loved me, or anything like that. Instead, I had one essentially absent parent and another abusive one. I’m sorry that was the hand I was dealt as a kid and how now I can get hurt by your actions. You keep saying you don’t know what to say since it feels like I’ll just be hurt, and I wish others just understood I don’t want to be this way. If only I could make them understand that I’m not upset at them. I wish I wasn’t difficult. I wish I was less.