A Disconnect
Hey. I called today with a very close friend, and they mentioned that they would prefer if I didn’t follow their Tumblr. I know they think it’s cringe, and it doesn’t matter how I see it as I want to respect their wishes here. As people, we are fairly opposite here, as I consider it as a sign someone cares about me when they look at the stuff I write/post/make, but they dramatically hate it. I find this pretty painful as I’ve been doing my best to compromise, by basically doing the opposite of how I show I care. I could talk about this for a while, but there’s a more pressing thing I wanted to try to process before I potentially reach out to them.
My problem is I know that they have an IRL friend who interacts with them fairly often on Tumblr, and they feel comfortable (afaik) with that. Thinking about this, I feel a sinking feeling. To me, this makes me feel like they just don’t feel comfortable with me. I know they explicitly mentioned it’s not just me, there are several other people where it’s the same, but the fact that there is at least one person where that’s NOT the case makes me feel like they trust them more than me. Or maybe it’s a they feel more comfortable with them than me, but either way, I feel bad.
I obviously don’t want to force them to feel comfortable around me, or to do anything they don’t want to do for that matter – but I can’t help but feel sad that I’m not someone they would want seeing that side of them. I feel somewhat ousted like they don’t want me to really get to know them.
I shamefully went and stalked the friend’s profile, and it clicked a little bit more. They both are similar in that sense, and I fundamentally am not. I’ve never been a Tumblr art person, the same way they’ve never been a Discord gamer. I’ve written and deleted sentences over and over again mentally writing this part, but I guess the sentiment is both simultaneously I feel like they don’t trust me or want me to know them as a person, but at the same time I don’t know how I’d feel if they saw all different aspects of me. There are several different groups and places where I behave differently, and it’s different than my relationship with them.
I still feel upset, since to me I’m worried that they could be more expressive or open on there, compared to my own parallels. I guess my fear boils down to the thought that they might not want me to get to know them, and I somewhat equate that to the thought that they don’t want to be close friends. I’m a bit fucked up in the head, childhood scars be scarring.
Literally today I was talking with my therapist about something similar, and she pointed out how I have a compulsion to try to seek this external reassurance when my anxiety spikes high enough. I really REALLY REALLY want to quell this by reaching out immediately, I had to go ahead and delete the message I had to first try to process things a bit more on their own. I feel like throwing up a bit because I know that there is an argument to make for me NOT reaching out to them eventually and asking for assurance, to learn to stop this compulsion. But fuck man. I want to know that they want to be close friends if I’m being fully honest. Ahhhh.
I guess I should do a bit of CBT before I talk to the virtual therapist:
Situation: A close friend said they would feel more comfortable if I didn’t follow their Tumblr, and they have another friend that does follow they are fine with.
Thoughts: My first thoughts are how they don’t want me to see it because they don’t feel comfortable with it. However, they feel comfortable with the other friend. That means I am not a good enough friend for them to feel comfortable with me seeing it, but the other person is.
Feelings: If I thought this I would feel like crying, to be honest. I would feel pretty horrible, and I would feel unloved. I would feel like we aren’t as close of friends as I would think.
Behavior: My day-to-day life would take a significant hit, as I would be pretty depressed. I would also be very insecure in this relationship, and other relationships going forwards. I would also somewhat compulsively feel the urge to check their Tumblr, which would make it worse since I wouldn’t be able to interact with it at all, without them feeling bad.
Let me take a second to do a quick grounding skill.
Thoughts: If this friend saw me interacting with friends on Discord in various different groups, I would feel a bit weird because it feels like a clash of personalities. I can understand how it’s a different way to how they act in person with me. They probably just act the same way they do on Tumblr with the other friend, so it’s more natural there. This doesn’t mean that we are any less close of friends.
Feelings: I feel a bit sad, but I understand. I feel less compulsive overall, and I don’t feel as bad as before. I can intuitively understand a bit more how it would be a clash, and I can relate to that. I don’t think that this is a thing about trust, or anything of the sort nearly as much as I originally thought it was.
Behavior: I don’t compulsively do things they don’t want, and I also become more secure with the relationship, along with other relationships going forward.
Stay strong man, it’s not easy. Love you Suman 💘