An Open Letter

I think as much as I don’t want to think about it, I need to bridge that mental disconnect between writing to this blog with the intention of it being private combined with the reality of how I have it attached to my discord and how several IRL people know of it. I’m only really able to fuel this honesty today by playing Moonlight on the River – Mac DeMarco.

I think I’ve been under a lot of stress for a while now. Every few days my Dad sends a text and asks me if I’m all good, and I just respond with I’m ok, just very tired. And that’s because that’s how I’m feeling then. I think navigating that weird liminal time period of not having consistent friends to reach out to fucking sucks. S hasn’t really been online much because he’s busy with his own life I guess, and L has been busy with school and doesn’t really get on much. T has his computer broken but either way, our schedules don’t line up too much. Same with even F. I get to play with A fairly often which is nice, but he’s a pretty impersonal person so I don’t know much about his personal life and I kinda mirror that. IRL, S and L have definitely drifted apart from me and I think both of them have kinda tightened their circles and it’s just happened where I’m out of the zone of convenience and so what can you do about that. I’m a little bit grateful for that, since because everything got so bad that was enough of a catalyst to push me to forcibly socialize out again from scratch. I went and talked to some people at the gym, and the first person was a bust, and I was kinda just resigned to that. I saw another person who seemed really friendly and spotted me but they left before I got over the anxiety of asking them to exchange numbers or something. When I finally saw them leaving, I just laughed because it was another reminder about how an opportunity for something great can be there but fear of whatever may hold you back from that beautiful future. The next day I decided out of nowhere to go to the gym at a time I probably shouldn’t have, and I ended up seeing her again. I told myself this was a sign to stop being a pussy and just go try to be friends with people. She was also happy to exchange numbers since we both wanted another gym buddy and so we did that, and we talked a bit about other stuff over text. I asked if she was interested in gymnastics and she was also a beginner and so she came along today. I signed up to carpool again and I met another person who was also pretty friendly after getting to know her a little bit, and so that’s another friend now! After that, I had martial arts, and then after that L came over and we fucked around in VR and then rocket league for a bit, which he was fully new to. It was fun.

I keep forgetting how easy these insurmountable challenges can be sometimes. I’ve been sitting in this weird little loneliness pit for a while now since I’ve felt like some of my newer friends have moved on while I’m stuck in limbo, but a really nice benefit of the life experience I have is how I’ve done this before and I’ve shown myself how I can do it again.

And now I guess to the part that I’ve conveniently tucked behind a wall of safe recollection of the good parts of today. I think A is an incredible person, and I can’t think of anything wrong with her. But at the same time, I’m still almost afraid, and I feel this kind of fear and anxiety makes me want to just avoid it. After dropping her off I was as close to blushing as I think I can get, and I didn’t even play any music, but just drove back in quiet. I was thinking about her while falling asleep, and I felt peace. I don’t want to say perfect since I think that word puts pressure and is overall just bad to describe someone as, but from our one date A was someone who I found myself happy with I guess. As in I was happy on that date with her, I didn’t feel like I was making someone else happy in the people-pleasing way I’m trying to avoid, but I actually enjoyed that. And she did too! Meaning she enjoys my attempt at being myself, or at least as close to it as I can get. I’m almost worried I’m doing this super weird meta-dance of trying to imitate myself not imitating anything. How weird is that?

All of this made me think about how I may have swung the needle too far, I used to identify with the anxious attachment style, but I may have gone all the way to avoidant. I’m a little bit afraid of intimacy now, and I think it’s because there’s so much stress behind it. I almost don’t know how to act around it, and especially since I’ve been changing so much mentally these last few years I almost feel like I’ve been dropped into a game without the tutorial. I want to sit in this safe little zone that I’ve carved out for myself, and I never want to leave this dirt hut. I find myself automatically rushing to these thoughts of interactions or intimacy, and I just can’t think about how they will go since I don’t feel like I have enough experience to actually form an opinion from. This is like explore vs exploit, and I have 0 exploration on this path, and so I’m terrified. What if I get traumatized for a few years like has happened in the past? This kinda feels like someone just started driving and on their 4th drive they got in an accident and broke their arms. That’s enough fear to be terrified of that for the rest of their life, or at least it feels that way to me. I’m afraid of this unknown because I don’t know how it will go. This fear manifests itself in these avoidant behaviors and I end up miscategorizing them as small little minute traits that I find issues with. This clouds my judgment on everything so badly and I’m a bit afraid about that. I am however happy that I can write these things down here and feel this way, since this means I at least have a path to go down and explore with my therapist, but also with just independent research and introspection I guess. Maybe I should do some CBT here.

Situation – A is someone I want to go on more dates with. I think I like them.

Thoughts – What if we emotionally get more intimate or something like that and it’s something I fuck up? Or what if we have such fundamentally different childhoods that the scars on mine are something she can’t overlook. Or what if she’s just not interested in me. Or what if something flips in my brain that makes me no longer like her this way.

Feelings – I feel fear, and I feel anxiety. A better way of saying that since words don’t do justice is I feel like a small child being crushed in from all sides. I feel like I’m in a safe place but at the same time no one can stop what’s happening to me and I just need to resign to this fate. It’s this feeling that no one can or will come to stop this impending doom.

Behaviors – I’m horribly fucking anxious overall for the next few days, and also I start to associate this with A. I may ruin the opportunity for something great because of anxiety brain.

Thoughts – We hit it off, the same way I would hit it off with a friend that would be super fucking close to me. Or at least it started off the same way, but this also has the potential to blossom into something even more than that, an experience so rich in life that it’s worth the pain and risk to try for. At the end of the day, I can classify all of those fears into a few consequence categories: rejection, traumatic experience tainting the future, and reverse deus ex machima.

For rejection, who cares lmao. As you were telling N earlier today, there’s virtually no consequences to things like this in life. You can just force yourself to go to a few events and then if it sucks, then don’t show up again! What is the possible consequence for that other than a story and getting stronger at that rejection? This one’s not a real concern man, cmon. On top of it, I’m pretty sure she’s physically attracted to me, and even if she wasn’t that’s fine! I think growing up ugly has given me the benefits of understanding my worth in other ways. But now also I have the incredible boon of loving working out no matter what, but that dragging the consequence of being muscular and all that. Plus, the confidence has to be, honestly, most of it. Even in the vain sense, if she doesn’t find me attractive other people still will, but that doesn’t even matter.

For traumatic experiences tainting the future, I just need to ask myself am I a pussy. And then immediately rephrase that question into do I want to be a pussy, and my answer to that is no (not fully sure about the first one lol). I was trying to learn how to do a backflip today and I just started jumping with the pads on the floor without a spotter, and I almost landed it! My first time trying that was with a spotter and I landed on my eye which hurt like a bitch, and I also did land a few times even today badly which hurt. But I just went did something else or sat down for a bit, and then sent it again. I also go to Jiujitsu consistently even though I get hurt or bleed enough where I don’t even find it as a special occurrence. I’m not someone to be afraid of chasing after things I find worth it, even with the risks. This is something worth sending it for, and the fear here is of my mind trying to extrapolate this experience forwards. You already have enough bad experiences, what’s there to lose lmao. It’s not like you’ll ever be SA’ed as a 12 yr old again so only up from here king!

And finally the reverse deus ex machima. If by some divine intervention things fail and it’s not something I could ever have prepared for then lmao what the fuck do you expect me to do about that? Should I never get in a car because final destination already covered what could happen there? No that’s fucking stupid. You won’t die, and you won’t end up any worse than you started before. But you could end up way way better. Tell me that’s not a sweet fruit worth jumping for.

Feelings – I feel peace, and I feel the joy of being human. I’m still a little bit scared, but instead of anxiety that’s almost like an excitement. I’m excited, how beautiful of a shift that is.

Behaviors – I’m more confident, I’m happier, less anxious, and just excited to see what life has to offer. I am who I want myself to be.

I’m happy you spent like 40 minutes on this one Suman. I’m glad you took time for this, and more importantly put the effort into it. Also please note how CBT helped so much. I feel happier and I was able to actually process things without the depression mind trying to speak over my thoughts constantly. I hope that reframing of it helps you do it more. Love you bud.