A digital journal

An Old Acquaintance

Today was the tennis club's first practice, and I’m an officer (practice coordinator) this year. I was looking forward to it a lot since I made many friends through it last year, and I was hoping to make more to replace friends who’ve moved away. The first few practices have an ungodly amount of people (~150), and after about a week, it softens to around 40; the club becomes much more social and more like a family at this point.

I thought I was doing okay today, but at the practice, I realized I felt horribly angry at the end. I think I had a good time, it was a bit weird and performative to be a super social person and try to make the club look like a very fun, inclusive place (which it is to be fair). As the first day ended, I realized how alone I felt.

I saw several friends I am supposed to be relatively close with, but I felt alone. I had to reach out in our group chat to ask if they were going to hit earlier, and they told me last second that they were. Once I got there, they were all there together along with another friend who isn’t even part of that group chat. I’m going to CBT this in a second, but that just ran its sharp fingernails through the scars of childhood exclusion. On top of it, near the end of practice, I heard that same person telling another friend how they were going to get breakfast on Wednesday. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with that – but I’ve been doing my best to reach out and be proactive with this friend to make plans and stuff, and I just constantly get the feeling they aren’t putting in any effort to be friends. Honestly at what point do I give up?

I’m pretty sick of this stupid fucking scar, where I always have to fight to convince myself that people are my friends. I feel like I’m losing today, as I want to just stop interacting with all of these people. It’s an incredibly addicting feeling, telling myself that these friends are toxic or it’s a bad relationship and that I will find new friends to replace them. I think this is a wrong thought, but fuck is it an enticing one. Because then I have the hope that the problem is with these people, and not some big issue I face overall.

Honestly, at this point, I might as well just start the CBT.

Situation: Friends said we were hitting before practice after I asked. There was another friend not in the group chat there. Additionally, that same friend who I’ve tried hanging out with who has been busy is hanging out with another person on Wed.

Thoughts: If I didn’t ask them, they wouldn’t have told me. They told her, however. I am just chasing after them, but they don’t actually give a shit about me. We are not fucking friends. Also, with the other person I’ve tried making plans with them and they’ve just taken several days to respond to my messages, and haven’t made any effort to make time or do anything. I’m done trying to put in all this effort. Rot.

Feelings: I feel angry, and I feel good writing this. I feel good the same way self-immolation on a cold day feels at the start. This will set off a downward spiral that will destroy me, but fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK it feels good in the sickest way. I want this drastic change. I want it all to burn down. I want it done over gone done over gone.

Behavior: I cut them off. who knows maybe I fuck around and eventually cut myself (:

Thoughts: Cringe L9 behavior aside, all of this can be logically deconstructed.

All of this revolves around the information that they knew I was coming and didn’t feel a need to explicitly invite me.

About the other friend

Honestly, as fucked as it is I think I’m realizing that this person is just not someone who wants to be more of friends. Unless they show me something otherwise, I’m going to stop trying and just match their current energy.

Feelings: I honestly feel pretty bad in this case. I find it funny the healthy thought makes me feel way worse but in a way not doing heroin would be both good and miserable. Not indulging in the idea of them being bad friends keeps my relationships afloat, but also makes me face reality without having a facade of an ideal friendship to disillusion myself with. I feel like I’m doing the right thing, however.

Behavior: I don’t burn down these bridges, and I face reality. I try out some new things and potentially figure out I’ve been navigating this wrong this whole time, all without causing a horrible downward spiral.

This does feel incredibly hard, so I’m going to write this down for therapy. I also lost, and texted the closest friend there “Hey, can I ask if you guys had plans to hit before practice before I asked?”. I can’t shake this thought. This is going to be rough to get through, guess I got what I wanted, huh? I remember thinking about how upset I was that I didn’t feel like I had any concrete problems I was facing mentally so I had nothing to change or work on. Oopsie, my bad god. Stay strong, love you Rengar <3