Anger and Fear
Hey, big dog! I don’t know about you, but I just got out of sitting on the floor of the shower for like 45 minutes just talking to myself. I had this as a status yesterday, but I realized how anger sits next to fear. The more I processed and confronted my fear, I found my anger going away. There were several cool insights I had that I wanted to write about, but I guess might as well stay consistent and just vent again.
I found myself angry, but not at them. I believe in intentionalism, and while trying to understand their point of view, I don’t feel like there was any malice. All I really felt was ignorance and fear. I don’t think they meant to hurt me like this, and so I’m not upset at them at all. But I still do feel upset, and I was trying to figure out who or what I was so upset at.
I don’t think this is a serious issue, I wouldn’t even consider this a fight. But I did ask for some space until my therapy on Wednesday, and it turns out that’s 5 days, which I think is overkill. Part of me guiltily hopes that they feel bad and miss me as a friend, but another part of me also believes that they are fully fine and they aren’t thinking about this at all. I also partially want to give them some time so they don’t feel pressured, so I can know if they actually want to be friends or not – I’d rather be friends with someone who has to think about it for a bit and decides that they do want to be friends. Another reason was I wanted to show them (and myself) how I do not depend on them; I am incredibly resourceful and resilient. I will be okay without them – I only say this because I don’t want them to have the pressure of feeling like I depend on them for anything. I want them to know that I prefer and really want to interact with them and spend time with them, but if that can’t happen I’ll survive just fine.
I was sitting on the floor of the shower thinking about how I was catastrophizing about how they might tell me “Hey with this time to think, I think I’m happier without you. I don’t want to be friends anymore”. Writing this out gave me a huge compulsion to check the friend’s server we have to see if they for some reason left it. I will consciously choose to simply not to do that, the same way I told my friend today to consciously make the decision to fight their own compulsion (hi S!). But yeah, about that thought of fear: I started to think about how I am more or less giving myself exposure to the feeling of rejection and almost a breakup, and I was treating it as an exercise. I know pain like that will happen in life, and it might not necessarily happen in this case – but I might as well hurt a bit right now to understand better and prepare for it.
I’ll close this off as a friend has been waiting for me, but I really want to send a message to them saying “Hey, 5 days is a long time – just wanted to let you know I am not upset at you at all, it is not that serious”, but I think this is me being overly compassionate. This is something I would want, but there’s also a solid chance they are completely fine and not anxious or feeling bad about it at all. I think we are pretty different in that sense, they are a pretty “fuck it we ball” kind of person, so this is fairly likely. I’ll instead selfishly use this time to practice fighting this compulsion. Even if you don’t say it back, I love you