back me up, for fucks sake.
The title is a bit more aggressive than I feel right now, but I just love the song GREAT LAKES by Cleopatrick. There was a girl at the gym today who had some MASSIVE quads/hamstrings and I asked them for their leg day since I want legs like that. We talked a bit and we both didn’t really have gym buddies so I asked if they wanted to exchange contact info to work out sometime. When I told A, she snuck in a message which felt like she was accusing me of lusting over the girl’s ass or something along those lines. I felt pretty disgusted and upset by that comment since I think it’s incredibly objectifying and perverted. I don’t like this feeling like I’m on the stand and I need to prove that I’m trying to make more friends, and not that I’m trying to fuck some other girl, let alone the fact that I hold it as a core value to not sexualize friends.
I know that there are other circumstances at play, but even with me putting in a lot of effort to process and communicate my thoughts and feelings in a way that’s constructive A responded in a fairly inflammatory way, while also ignoring my feelings to further bring up her problems with it. She made up a strawman, and also finished the combo with “I don’t want to talk about it.” and so I have no choice but to just sit here and feel upset and shit on. I also can’t justify anything or even try to argue my side, so I just have to take it again. Typing this out it feels like I’m describing the shitty pattern from childhood with my mom, but this doesn’t feel like it’s hitting a nerve for better or for worse. Maybe it didn’t hit that hard, or maybe that nerve’s just gone for my own sanity.
I feel like after we talk about this, I’m going to have to deal with the job of making her not feel guilty when she apologizes for her communication. I know I have the bar set too high for the average person, but I wish I didn’t have to deal with the apology after the punch. I wish I just didn’t get punched in the first place. I consistently put in this extra effort to try to process what I say to others for their sakes (along with mine I guess), and I wish everyone did similarly. I’m glad I can at least vent here, it’s not like writing into the void can ignore my feelings, hell it can’t acknowledge it lol.