Dopamine Twitch Moment
I find similar situations give a good change of perspective for different qualitative things in life. I think looking at stuff like relationships in a chamber makes it impossible to judge anything – imagine someone being in an abusive relationship for their entire life without experiencing anything different. I talked with F today actually for the first time in a while. (I find it ironic I’m censoring his IGN, but I might as well be consistent here.) He’s still the same flawed person I knew before, but at least something has changed since last time. It’s not much, but at least it’s something to let me know that he’s capable of change – no matter how small. He started flaming someone else during my ranked game, and I asked him to mute all and not tilt them, as I wanted to win so I didn’t have to play any more games than I had to. I think he did, and we ended up winning. He also didn’t get mad as often as he usually does.
I always held the view where I think a good person is someone who changes for the better, as over the long term they will improve. I may not say it or think it at the moment, but I’m actually very proud of him for changing for the better. I don’t think it’s easy, especially when you’re used to not having to do that. It does get easier, once you start doing it more. But that first step is the hardest. I’m proud of him for that.
I wonder if there’s an argument to make about the area under the curve for a person’s immediate quality as a friend. Is a friend who’s a good friend who is slowly getting worse over time better than a bad friend who’s getting better if it’s for a short enough period? I feel like it’s a bit more nuanced than that. I used to think relationships were transactional for everyone inherently, but there are other factors I didn’t really think about till I asked some friends why they’re friends with me. One mentioned loyalty – how we’ve gotten in a lot of fights and still at the end of the day we come back together. Thinking about that now, I realize how much that breaks transactionality apart for me. I have a few friends that I think are not the greatest – not toxic but also not perfect either. I still would choose them over other people because I care about them and I’ve built up that loyalty over the years. I wonder if people are loyal to me in the same way – and I guess under that question I really mean I wonder if people will not leave me if I stop providing as much value to them. It’s a pretty ingrained in me thought, so I wonder what reality is like.