Happiness shared is doubled, what's happiness dampened?
I was talking with insurance agents today to figure out some more logistics, and it looks like Dada is fine with me getting the car now. I have the cash to buy it in full along with all the fees and insurance for a year, and I’ve tried to account for as many taxes and fees as possible. I was so happy today that I was genuinely squealing to myself and brimming with energy, I was talking with V about it and we were looking over different trim options. I’ve been looking forward to this for over four years now and saving up all of my money for it. Other than V however, no one else gives a shit. I wish someone else was at least a little bit excited for it because nothing hurts me more than being over the moon and then when I let a little bit overflow and tell a friend, I get a “who gives a shit”.
I sent a message to S, telling him to lie to me if he needed to but to be excited with me. I surprisingly feel incredibly alone right now because of this. I was talking to F today and he asked me how much money I had saved up. I didn’t want to answer the question because I realized I felt worried that people would be jealous and upset at me for it. Thankfully he’s not, which is something I appreciate about him. But I worry about the rest of my friends in that sense. It has somehow turned into the same issue with academics, where none of my school friends were happy for me when I did things academically. I’ve always tried to be supportive and take an interest in the things other people are excited about, probably because I know how shitty it feels for that not to happen. I just wish someone else was the same way for me. Fuck, I know what I have to do.
Situation: S responded to me finally telling her that I got the news I’m going to be buying a car soon with a message about something completely different and pointless
Thoughts: It looks like she’s either intentionally shutting down my happiness or doesn’t give enough of a shit about something that matters to me so much that she couldn’t even say a formality or a fake platitude.
Feelings: I feel really fucking hurt, and I feel like the world is almost against me. I feel like all of my friends are jealous or don’t actually like me, because why else would they not share any excitement at all about something that means so much to me?
Behavior: I don’t want to share things I’m happy about or excited about with other people if they’re just going to rain on my parade. I’m just going to keep this shit to myself and romanticize that. Men die alone, and be strong enough to handle that or some other stupid shit.
Thoughts: She may be tired, or not understand how this was me testing the waters to see if people are happy for me or jealous.
Feelings: I feel sad, but I can at least attribute a lot more of it to misunderstanding rather than her flat-out wanting to hurt me.
Behavior: I can go into a conversation without that extra resentment or hurt, so it will be easier for me to not feel defensive. I sent her a message and hopefully, it ends up as a good experience of me being able to voice pain and have it not explode.
See how it works? Good. Do it more often please.