heart break in the literal sense
I don’t know if I’m lying if I say this, but men have always scared me in some capacity. They’ve always felt somewhat foreign to me, with the blatant irony of me being a man aside – I’ve never really felt like I understood what was going on with the men in my life. But I always did have a sort of respect, somewhat garnered through fear. Men always made me feel like it was a competition to prove who is enough, and who isn’t. That wasn’t a competition I ever wanted to do, and so I kept men away if I could. I guess I’m not lying when I say men intimidate me. I say this to explain how in my eyes how men are creatures who avoid showing weakness, and are somehow always resiliently strong.
Twice in my life I can think about men crying. First was when my dad found out that I had tried to kill myself. Second was a few nights ago. Both times it hit me out of nowhere like a truck. Seeing these infallible pillars suffering so much to the point where it eventually just seeps out past the facade breaks my heart. It makes me cry to think about how much I hurt my dad for him to cry. I can’t think of many other things that have that much weight for me. I’m so so so sorry Dada. I love you so much. I wouldn’t want any other father. I’ve never even thought about that once. I love you so much.