I feel most in control when I lose it
It was night and I launched my car around the corner into a straightaway and I felt the car slipping and in that moment I kind of felt happy, or I guess free would be a better word. My first thought about why I felt that way was because when I have the option to throw my life away that gives me some semblance of control over the day-to-day strife that upset me. Reading this now I kind of realize that's like a no-no big flag, but I guess I just really liked the feeling of everything kind of going out of my hands for a little bit.
When I was driving back there's a wide body scat that was creeping up and so I launched past them and tried to see if they wanted to race but they kept backing off and I was kind of sad. I just want to fly.