I forgot for a bit, but I remember now
Hey. For the last two months, I’ve been fairly depressed. It isn’t nearly as bad as it used to be, which is a godsend in its own right – but I just haven’t felt joy for a while. Today I did. I pushed myself pretty hard working out my legs, even though I had to stop squatting due to a health complication. Afterward, I ran on a treadmill until I couldn’t anymore. Then I walked for a tenth of a mile and then ran the same distance.
By the time I got off the treadmill, I had to lay down and was grabbing my left ankle because it hurt so bad with the kind of pain where nothing gives it relief, and you just have to ride it out until it stops rearing its head. My face was grimaced, but also smiling intently. I felt proud, and I felt alive again. I know it was just endorphins, but in that moment I finally felt like myself for the first time in a while.
While biking back home, I was dancing and drumming in the air. Music made me happy, and the cold air on my sweat-drenched face was blissful. I felt pure joy. I went home and put in tremendous conscious effort to do several tasks that I hadn’t been able to do for almost weeks.
At some point last year I figured out that one of my greatest tools for fighting depression was overexerting myself. Of course, there are several other things to it, but this was a huge thing for being able to regulate my mood, and overall give me a better baseline dopamine. Around two months ago, I stopped running and doing such heavy cardio for some reason or another – and I eventually stopped altogether. Now that I’m virtually fully recovered, I’m going to force myself to stick to this – originally it required a lot of discipline, but I know how it gets easier if you don’t slip up, so I’m going to vow to myself I’m going to do that now. Today I was able to do a bit over half a mile, and I plan on getting that much farther.
Recently I’ve lived life in a pretty angry, depressed, and resentful way. I remember how I used to do this, and I see a lot of this in other friends – but I think I’d like to reclaim the worldview of being grateful and falling in love with everything.
Everything will be ok. It just may be different.