An Open Letter

Around half a mile my side started cramping but I kept going. A little bit past a mile I started to hit my limit with my shins hurting and my left hip pinched. My brain said this is hell, and I responded by trying to remind myself what hell was. I thought about the SA, the traumatic moments with old friends, and the months of just numb sitting quiet on the bathroom floor. But eventually the pain got louder than what I could think and so I just started bashing my knuckles against the metal railings of the treadmill. I started with my forearms and wrists, but it hurt more and the pain was sharper so I kept hitting the knuckles on my hands. Every time the pain went away, I would swing my arms into the sides until it hit the knuckles in the right way to make me fully recoil. I started just chanting to myself “I want the pain”, and every time I could think I would hit my hands again until the burning pain took over everything else. Around 2.4 miles I noticed the knuckles on my hands were bruised, and I would barely have to hit them once for me to involuntarily clutch them against my chest. I realized I had been crying involuntarily from the pain alone. I didn't even feel my legs or lungs, it was just the sharp pain in my arms. Near the end my body wanted to give out, but for the last half mile I just kept hitting my hands until that was the only thing. 3 miles. Where's that bitch I hate so much, the one that's afraid of pain and that's so ready to just fall over and die. I fucking hate myself sometimes, and at least now I have this pain to show for it. I hate that version of myself so much. How's this for change. On the drive home once the rest of my body stopped feeling on fire I realized how all of the cuts on my face were on fire from all of the salt in my sweat. In highschool that was enough pain for me to be afraid, and now it wasn't even an afterthought. I hate that bitch so fucking much. No one has ever judged me for that except for myself, so this hate is genuine. This isn't because I feel like I need to conform or anything else like that, but just out of pure hate. 3 fucking miles. It hurts to close my hands now.