I'm afraid of a lot of things
Whenever my mood takes a dip, everything comes to light again. I’ve spent most of today just thinking about several different issues. It’s very addicting to want to spiral back down, even though I’m so terrified of it.
There are so many things to say so I guess I’ll just speak – I think I believe I’m a bad person. Or at least someone not worthy of good things. I turned off grammarly just for this session so I could be a bit more authentic. I was thinking about freshman year how one time late at night I saw a man hunched over on the sidewalk crying. I sat down next to him and talked to him for a while. I don’t even know if I knew his name. We never saw eachother again. I hope someone gives me that kindness, but I’d do it regardless. At least I’d think I would. I mean why wouldn’t I? I was thinking just a bit ago about how no one would come if I don’t ask for the help. I can’t blame anyone else for that, but it is just a bad habit I have of struggling quietly. I think I’ll always be able to justify some reason to not reach out. I think about that one random screenshot of some conversation or snippet from a poem of someone screaming at a girl to “just take up space” from love and frustration. A part of me longs for something like that, someone to convince me that I am worth inconveniencing someone about. I think the post even said “please inconvenience me”. For some reason that line made me almost cry right now sitting outside in the grass overlooking the lagoon. Wow, that’s kinda embarassing.
I think I take solace in the fact that no one reads this, or at least keeps up with it. I find a lot of people want to keep up with it, but after the sheer frequency of it they inevitably stop. I’m glad for that, I don’t want people to feel obligated to keep up with this. I don’t want to be a high maintainence friend. I think I may have seen too many unhealthy things to now know what I could potentially want. I get the appeal of romance books or stuff like that, I think a lot of people suffering quietly want that fantasy of someone going so far out of their way to pick up each of the breadcrumbs and give that care.
I find myself trapped in this paradox of inaction – to be a more healthy and lower maintanence friend I should reach out to my friends more. But I also don’t. I think I will always make excuses on why I shouldn’t. They’re busy, or it is tangentially related to them. I don’t want to seem weak, I have therapy soon enough, and I can handle it on my own. I think about something someone said in a fully different context – “Who am I going to call for help? Me?”. I think that worldview feels comfortable to me. If I can give myself the support I need, I’ll never be vulnerable like that. I was going to say I have no problems with vulnerability, but I thought about the word a little bit more. Vulnerability to me is the lack of fear of being hurt. Giving someone else that power to hurt you. I don’t think I’m vulnerable. I don’t reach out to people and do stupid shit like this BECAUSE I’m afraid of relying on people. How am I supposed to depend on someone when I’ve gone through life like this for so long? It’s always been me and my thoughts. I’ve processed so many things that way. I also would be arrogant to not mention Dr. H, who I’ve been in consistent therapy with for four years now.
Things change so fast, but they also take forever to change. If I look at my life in picture, things change all the time. But when I think about specific things, they feel so insurmountable. Individual things are harder to change. I try to remind myself of how hard it was with Hash’s separation anxiety. I was unable to live a life like normal because I’d have to keep Hash with me permanently, it was so hard and stressful to be a full time student. But now that’s no longer a problem. On my busy days, I leave the house at 9 and would get home around 8pm. And he is completely fine and content. Things changed. I remember I used to be suicidal over it, because it just felt like something so big I couldn’t control.
I’m thinking about the whole TA fiasco. That problem felt like the entire world, but even a week later I’ve come to terms with it and I am ok I think. I’m fortunate that I haven’t had any life-altering problems, things are more just hiccups. I suck at handling them, and I don’t want to discount how debilitating they are for me, but also I need to remember how it all won’t matter in 2 years. In the least arrogant way possible, what’s 20 grand to a MF like me could you please remind me? (A lot of money, but nothing worth losing sleep over. I’ll just save that money back up and pay it back).
I thought about those satirical tiktoks where people allude to “does it really matter?” while zooming out to show the scale of the universe. I wonder if there’s merit to that train of thought. Is there any problem that matters in that scale? When I think about the persistent issues that have haunted me as long as I can remember, do any of them matter? Hell if I look to my right and look at any of the handful of people walking by, none of my problems affect them. There are very few things I could do that would affect them. If I think about the reverse, how many problems do they struggle with that don’t affect me? If I was aware of every problem around me, nothing would reasonably change in life – but I would be absolutely crushed and overwhelmed. The point I want to make to myself is is there any merit to worrying about these problems? Can I apply this in some extent to myself? Why would I burden myself with these unecessary weights? Maybe I should let some things go. I think I should maybe re-read that book “the subtle art of not giving a f*uck”.
I think I’m back to myself after writing this down, I’ve started to make jokes only I find funny (see the above censorship). Thank you for going ahead and taking time to write this down, I know it isn’t easy or natural. I’m proud of you. I love you.
R – 3 deep breaths
E – I’m overwhelmed and fixating on random problems, potentially misattributing fears or problems into different issues.
S – Honestly, just journaling about it would probably be the best way to release and process these thoughts.
T – See above lol