It's 1:21 am
I just finished recording, editing, and uploading my video for day 5 of AoC. I’m fucking POOPED. I am not looking forward to having to drink my protein/creatine shake and brush all that get ready for bed. I am eepy, I wanna just conk out now.
I think I journaled enough today, as I did vent earlier twice. I’m kinda over it, as in I realize it’s not that deep. I’m preemptively upset to protect myself, but also I might just let it run it’s course and what happens happens. No point being upset now.
I will say I looked back at the DM’s, and I really don’t think they understood what they did that was wrong, which really sucks. They think that their problem is that they flaked on something. I’m gonna stop myself here, because maybe I’m making an assumption that is invalid – let me clear that up before I jump to any conclusions. I think either way it really isn’t that deep. Or at least I don’t want it to be.
Situation: Friend who I had issues with didn’t say no outright, and rather gave excuses which was the original problem.
Thoughts: Nothing has changed, they will choose the path of least resistance for them, even if it leaves me in a state of limbo and anxiety.
Feelings: They don’t care enough about my suffering to even try being uncomfortable in the faith of healthy communication.
Behavior: I avoid getting close with this person, as they seem to not respect my wellbeing.
Thoughts: Maybe they have changed at least about the bigger parts. I think I have to be more patient with people, most people haven’t had a reason to change much, and that’s something good. I’m happy they haven’t had a reason for that, but at the same time it sucks then that they don’t know how to change better. So all I can do is be patient with them, and recognize the progress where it is. After all, I am grateful that they explicitly said “thank you for bringing this up”
Feelings: I feel a bit more understanding, and so I feel ok.
Behavior: I maybe put a little less weight into their actions, and shadow everything with this understanding for my own protection, but I still care for them as a friend and grow with them.
Something I want to tell them, but I probably can’t right now:
They asked me to explicitly say “It’s ok if you say no” when I ask them to do something or to join me with something. I think this is a bad idea for a few reasons:
I need to have the assurance that they feel comfortable saying no in regular situations, and it’s unreasonable to specify this on everything.
You get over things like this through stuff like exposure therapy. For that to work, there has to be exposure to something stressful. I have explicitly said several times it’s okay to say no, so in that regard, this is a safe thing, but at the same time, this is something where the first time is the hardest by far. They need to consciously say no at some point, and then see that everything is ok.
Regarding point 1, consent is undoubtedly incredibly important. But at the same time, it’s incredibly unreasonable to ask for consent with everything. Imagine if you had to ask your partner for consent every time you touched them on the shoulder, or gave them a high-five. This is an extreme example, but the point I want to make is there is an underlying trust that you can at any point say “I want to not do this”, and that it will be respected. This isn’t something that you need to explicitly ask every time after you have this level of trust and understanding. I think this is a similar thing here. I want this person to trust me enough when I say it’s ok to say no to anything, and to be able to use that also.
Ahh, incoherent rant aside it’s time for me to get ready for bed. Love you Big ♥