It's your fourth birthday Hash
And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I am not better for you. I should be reading or meditating, as I already didn't do it yesterday, but instead here I sit staying up late crying in bed. I'm too busy tomorrow where I only have one hour back at home to take you to get your birthday presents. I'm so sorry my baby. I love you more than anything else in this world, and this is how I treat you. It's always about me. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so sorry Hash. I wish I was better to you. But I don't change. I hate myself for that. I try to believe that you're happy, because the alternative is too much for me to bear. It hurts so much to think about. What if you need more love from me. I wish you could tell me. How could I be a father if I can't even take care of you. I'm so sorry my baby. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. It hurts so much to think about. I'm so sorry about the thoughts I get. I'm sorry for the things that come out into my mind. It's not me I promise. I love you. I don't ever want you to die. I love you more than I love myself, you have to believe me. But not enough to be better to you. Unless I'm fully sure it won't hurt you I'll never consider it. What a fucking low bar. What a selfish low bar. I'm sorry I'm me.