Just Venting
Hoo boy. So I had a pretty painful conversation with a close(?) friend. Turns out I wasn’t insane, and they have been pulling away for the last month or so. I feel pretty betrayed and hurt, to be honest, as I’ve been sitting here in this weird friendship limbo for the last month or so, all because they were too cowardly to bring it up. I’m pretty fucking sad/mad/hurt because I’ve been sitting around second-guessing myself trying to figure out what is going on, and thinking that it’s a me problem this whole time. Turns out I’m not insane, they’ve been pulling away and also been giving drastically mixed signals. They would both do very intimate things, and things to show we are close, while also neglecting and purposefully pushing towards surface-level interactions when I would try to treat them as a close friend. They have me all sorts of fucked up.
A lot of the issue stems from the fact they would make an assumption, which typically would result in the least amount of discomfort for them, and then based on that would end up hurting me much more. I hold some resentment here, as I think if they thought about it seriously and considered my point of view it would be pretty clear instead of them having a somewhat uncomfortable conversation once, I end up having to suffer and sit in this turmoil for over a month. I hate this so much, the same way I hate how my mother would refuse to acknowledge her problems and instead make me have to deal with that consequence.
My trust feels pretty broken to be honest, as I’ve spent all this time second-guessing what they say, and trying my best to take it at face value without reading into it. Turns out this whole time face value was a lie, and that ended up counteracting a lot of the work I’ve been doing on trying to unlearn painful patterns from childhood. That fucking sucks, I thought this relationship would be something safe and healthy but at no fault of my own turns out it’s been somewhat a lie.
I don’t think they really understand how they hurt me, as the closest apology they gave was an echoing of what they did, and saying “sorry”. I wish they would take a bit to try to empathize and understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of constant mixed signals and nearly exactly the whole ‘hot-and-cold’ manipulation technique. With them constantly oscillating between giving me the cold shoulder and then being intimate and warm, I end up feeling fucking horrible as I have no clue what’s going on. I wish they understood the consequences of their actions, as it fucking sucks.