An Open Letter

Heyo. It’s ya boy again. So I had an issue with the CS and ECE departments, as the ECE department offers TA positions several months before CS. Last second I got an email saying I have an offer letter from the CS department to TA for a CS course that I absolutely LOVE, and that I specially requested. I talked with the professor I agreed to TA for, and he also was on board with me dropping the contract to work for the CS course. I sent an email asking if it was possible to retract the contract, and I made the HUGE mistake of adding this PS at the last second:

PS:

If I can be released from this contract I am more than willing to get you a gift basket – that is how much I love CS190A. Please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to make this easier for you!

So if I had thought about this a little bit more, me saying IF makes this bribery. I did not intend for this. In my defense, I assumed that this was a fairly definitive thing, as the department regularly does this. I wanted to mention this as an offer of gratitude for doing this extra work, especially since it was so delayed due to how late I got the offer from CS. I woke up this morning to a strongly worded email talking about how unprofessional and unethical this was, along with how bad it is for them to have to scramble now to do this. I felt, and still feel absolutely horrible for both causing undue work for them and also for the implication of bribery. The person I offered the gift basket to had helped me out earlier this year, and while they were relatively unprofessional and sporadic – I attribute this to them being incredibly busy. I am very thankful for their help, and I assumed that this wouldn’t be as much of a problem as it turned out to be.

I really do feel horrible about this, but on top of it the department person who sent the angry email mentioned “The way you have handled this situation will certainly be a factor as we consider any future employment.” I think it’s obvious why I’m also close to losing it.

The more I think about this entire situation, the more I feel like throwing up. I just want to die, for this problem to go away. I have been consciously trying to not think about it, not to avoid it but because I think I already thought about it enough and processed it, and now all I’m doing is scaring myself and beating myself up excessively.

I think it’s fairly clear to me the consequences of never being able to be wrong growing up because making a mistake where I am at fault makes my mind immediately convinced I need to commit suicide. That doesn’t sound ideal or a good strategy for self-preservation lol.

Situation: I made a mistake, and upset people at the ECE department.

Thoughts: I could think that my life is over, I won’t get any more TA positions, and this will cause so many problems with my entire master’s degree.

Feelings: I feel overwhelmed, like the world is ending, and that I must kill myself.

Behavior: I probably don’t kill myself, but I sure shut down and feel like absolute hell for a while.

Thoughts: I made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, and they aren’t the end of the world. I sincerely apologized, and am trying to fix it any way I can – that is all I can reasonably do at this moment, other than learn from this mistake.

Feelings: I still feel upset about this mistake, but also I don’t feel like the world is ending.

Behavior: I take accountability for my actions, and continue living.

In 2 years this will matter virtually nothing. I will live, everything will be ok. I will get through this. I love you, stay strong Suman!