An Open Letter

Hey. I’m again doing this at 1 am, and I’m super tired. I’ve been working on my final project for 7 hours, and I’ve been debugging for the last 2 hours. This is hell on earth, and I lowkey love it. I’m grateful I get to do this. But it also is absolutely miserable. Something about imagining Sisyphus happy.

I realized I am depressed again, things haven’t been feeling good. I think I may know why, but it’s always speculation so only god knows. I had a pretty good session in therapy today, my current stressors turn out to be more triggering than childhood SA which is pretty funny if you ask me. I guess I’ve gotten more comfortable mentioning that at least, which is kinda interesting. I remember as a kid I told myself those would be things I take to the grave, and I only recently told someone it for the first time a few months ago.

So many issues in life end up feeling like they dominate my every moment, and that I have no option other than to kill myself if I want them to be solved. I feel this way until they get solved. And then I barely ever think about them again. Isn’t that such a weird mannerism? I don’t think I’m alone in this, but it’s still pretty interesting to think about.

I’ve also noticed I’m depressed again because I realized that there is virtually nothing I want to do anymore. All the things I do are more out of habit, or obligation – to myself or others. I’ve at least gotten pretty good at forcing myself to do things. I remember how I used to sit and rot in bed for 16 hours a day. I feel like I’m kinda still the same person, but I’ve just gotten more discipline. My ADHD medication does help me here though, it’s nice to be able to focus on something and have motivation to actually do things. Shame it’s fleeting.

I saw a pretty cringy poem on TikTok, but it resonated so I saved it to my phone and set part of it as my status.

You have so many layers, that you can peel away a few, and everyone’s so shocked or impressed that you’re baring your soul, while to you it’s nothing,

because you know you’ve twenty more layers to go

It’s pretty cringy, I’ll admit that – but I did feel weirdly seen. I feel like I’m fairly open, but at the same time, I’m incredibly reserved, which is a very weird dichotomy. I’m almost always willing to answer any questions or inquiries, but at the same time, I virtually never reach out or mention personal things I feel. I am still pretty open, I find it a good way to involve people in my life by sending them messages when it applies – but at the same time with a lot of important things, I don’t mention them unless someone asks me. I spent Thanksgiving alone and got incredibly depressed. I didn’t message anyone that day, and I more or less tried to self-isolate. I don’t think anyone would know that I was struggling horribly badly then if they didn’t read this blog.

I don’t think I need support from people, I can handle all of this stuff on my own – or at least with my therapist and other tools. But I still do feel pretty disconnected from people. I feel like people only really see the facade that I put up to function in society. To be fair, it is also somewhat me – I think I’m happier and not in my mind as much when I’m around friends. But at the same time, I’m incredibly depressed a lot. I struggle with a lot of things, and I don’t really feel like I can share them with anyone else. I’ve reached out to some friends, and they’ve been very supportive and encouraging, but I’ve been waiting for them to reach out to me for support before I ever reach out to them again. I don’t ever want to be a burden.

I weirdly romanticize the people who commit suicide without people recognizing they’re depressed. I don’t want to commit suicide right now, but I also do think there’s something resembling justice when people finally see the person they think is good finally reveal what’s going on. It somewhat feels like a “fuck you” to the culture and nuances in relationships that make connecting and getting support so hard. I sometimes fantasize about the thought of people around me mourning me, but I don’t do it as much anymore thankfully. God this got depressing. Let me just go ahead and do CBT before I ramble anymore, thank god this is tucked away by a wall of text.

Situation: R zn wvzgsob zhsznvw lu gsv gslftsg lu klhhryob xfnnrmt wfirmt bvhgviwzb'h wzgv, uiln evib orggov hgrnfozgrlm

Thoughts: Hsv dlfow szev nlxpvw nv, zmw nzwv ufm lu nv uli rg.

Feelings: R dlfow uvvo orpv wbrmt.

Behavior: R zelrw hvc zmw zmb hlig lu rmgrnzxb uli dzb olmtvi, zmw szev gsv kilyovn tvg dlihv

Thoughts: Nzbyv rg zrm'g gszg wvvk? Kviszkh rg rh nliv lu z nv kilyovn nliv gszm zmbgsrmt vohv. Gsviv'h z evib orpvob xszmxv gszg hsv dlfow szev yvvm uozggvivw, zmw hrmxv dv dvivm'g zmbdzb tlrmt gl yv wlrmt zmbgsrmt iveloermt nv, hsv kilyzyob dlfow szev yvvm kilfw zylfg gszg. Rg dlfow hfivob hfxp gl olhv MMM, yfg rg dlfowm'g yv gsv vmw lu gsv dliow

Feelings: Dvriwob uli gsv urihg grnv R wlm'g uvvo gszg nfxs hsznv zylfg rg. R gsrmp ru R ivzorav gszg gsv lgsvi kvihlm rhm'g hsznrmt nv uli rg, dsb hslfow R uvvo hsznv?

Behavior: R hgzig gl tvg levi gsrh uvzi, zmw gsvm gsv uvzi lu uzrofiv rhm'g gsviv hl R zn uivv gl ivzoob gib gl urc rg.

Do things change that quickly? That’s kinda incredible. CBT really is powerful. I’m proud of you for the things you do. People love you, including me wvkivhhvw ♥