More than you could know
I was thinking while biking about how I succeed in different aspects, which are all isolated from each other. My friends I game with don’t see how I’m academically dominant. My gym friends don’t know how good I am at certain games. I feel like a weird microcelebrity in different aspects of my life, yet they rarely intersect. I love this idea for some reason – that I am so much more than what people see of me.
I feel like you could attribute this to me being afraid of not being enough. If I am not good enough at something, oh well I have several different situations where I am more than enough. It gives me a weird safety cushion that allows me to fail, as I weirdly can override this notion of not being enough. If I get rejected by someone, it’s no biggie because they just don’t know about the rest of me. Then it’s just their loss. It feels like an incredibly arrogant and self-centered take, but it gives me some protection against tying my self-worth to anything or anyone. I think the reason saying this has a bad taste in my mouth is because it feels like it has the connotation of rejecting self-criticism. I think I do this in a healthy way – I don’t think I’m some perfect person, by any stretch of the imagination. But I also do think for example, if a girl rejects me from a dating app profile, it’s not because I’m not good enough or anything like that, it’s just because she doesn’t have a full understanding of who I am.
And at the same time, it’s virtually impossible to truly understand someone else. So I guess I always have this protection, as I can always believe that things were not a holistic representation of who I am.
Oh well! Yap session over! I’ll do some CBT later, I’m not feeling it right now, and this way I force myself to journal again at night.