Not to be Dramatic
I’ve had friends talk about how it’s hard to stay motivated to go to the gym, but for me, I don’t think it was hard with a certain realization. When I started going to the gym, I was horribly depressed. In the past, I would spend weeks without leaving my room and would just spiral into self-destructive tendencies until I would end up with a suicide scare. I was pretty desperate to do anything to stop that cycle, and I was trying everything I could find.
What I ended up telling myself was that I either force myself to go to the gym regardless if I was in pain, fatigued, depressed, busy, or any other excuse – or I end up killing myself because I am not strong enough to fight it. Then it became simple, it’s either force myself to do something shown to help depression no matter what, or just kill myself because I can’t even do that. If I am incapable of doing something so simple as that, I honestly don’t deserve a shot at life. That’s all it was, self-preservation in some sense.
Honestly, these are some of my favorite days while reflecting. The days where I don’t dance, smile or laugh. The days where I just keep my eyes on the floor and avoid any interaction. I love violently disregarding consequences and forcing my body to do what I want it to. About a week ago I tried to hit a PR on deadlift, and I failed 355lbs. I just couldn’t lift it enough to lock out. About 3-4 days later, I tried again, and at first, I couldn’t even get the bar off the ground before my back hurt too much. I took a second to rest, then told myself I didn’t care, I was going to grab it and lift it no matter what happened. Just look.
I love realizing my body is shaking, and feeling that pain in my throat and jaw from clenching so hard. I love beating the shit out of my own body in this way, as my way of getting even. I usually tell myself these days “Either kill yourself or kill yourself” as a reminder of how if I don’t destroy myself, I’ll probably end up killing myself anyway. God romanticization of suicide is nice ♥