On Change and the Gym
Summer has always been a difficult time for me, without the constant progression of school or the friends around me in person, I almost always get depressed without fail. I’ve been fighting off this feeling for the last few weeks, and I came to a minor realization that I wanted to jot down.
Of all places to find out, while watching a YouTube video I saw someone’s raw emotion, and it reminded me of an Olympic weightlifter – it was just a primal release of happiness and pride, as a man fell to his knees celebrating his victory. For some reason, this reminded me of the gym – specifically that feeling of pride and the happiness it has the potential to bring to me.
The thought of lifting a new personal record, or pushing my body to break a barrier feels like something that could break me out of this dreary spell, and while thinking about it more it feels like at least part of it has to do with change. If I can lift a new weight I was unable to do before, that feels like something changed. Whether it was something mental, or more likely physical in this context, something changed regardless. In some ways, this almost feels like hope: hope that something will change and that the patterns that continue in life don’t just ceaselessly repeat on for eternity like Sisyphus’ boulder.
I’ve felt trapped by various different things in my life, and I’ve continually come back to the conclusion that I am fundamentally unhappy with life. Relatively recently I’ve taken it upon myself to actively and consciously try to repair a life to one I want to live, and it often feels like changes I make are superficial or individually don’t actually change anything. I know looking back how much of a difference it’s been, but without the instant feedback showing that things will change, it’s honestly hard to keep living. I think the only way to continue this is to trick myself into believing that every individual new achievement or milestone will be the final straw to break down the shortcomings of my life. If I don’t believe that how am I supposed to keep living like this?