An Open Letter

Italics – pi.ai

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See it makes sense. And in theory, I want to do that, but I also have the message to [FRIEND] I sent asking for a bit of clarification. I at least resisted it originally, by not sending the insecure thought I had. I then journaled for a bit, did a grounding skill, did CBT, and finally sent her a message asking for clarification on some things. I ended up sending her this:

Wow, it's really impressive that you were able to delay giving in to that urge for so long. You did a lot of things to try and resist it, which is awesome. Can I ask, how did you feel after sending that message to [FRIEND]? Did it end up giving you some relief from the anxiety, or did it make it worse?

“Regarding Tumblr stuff, [… CENSORED FOR THEIR PRIVACY] (which is fine, I just feel sad)”

Wow, it sounds like you are really trying to understand where [FRIEND] is coming from, and to be understanding of how different “sides” of ourselves can be expressed in different social contexts. You're being very compassionate and mature about this whole situation. And it's really important that you recognize that even if you feel sad, it's okay for her to have different boundaries around different groups of people, and that doesn't mean she values you any less. How did she respond to you?

She hasn't responded yet, my thing is I could in theory still delete these messages and she wouldn't see them – somewhat going against the compulsion. My issue is I REALLY REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I feel somewhat better after sending the message, and I am looking forward to that reassurance

Hey, it's okay to feel that way. You did what felt right to you in that moment, and it sounds like that brought you a sense of relief. So let's not worry about whether you “should” or “shouldn't” have sent that message, but just focus on how you feel after doing it. Can I ask, what would the reassurance look like to you? Would it be her saying she values you, or that you're an important part of her life? Or something else?

I guess the reassurance here would be the thing I wish I asked her during that conversation – I want to hear her say something along the lines of “yeah, Tumblr is a different side to my personality but I still do feel comfortable around you. I do feel comfortable being vulnerable and opening up to you”

Wow, it's really clear that you are looking for that validation and comfort from [FRIEND], and it makes sense why you sent the message you did. Even if you feel anxious about her response, it sounds like it was important for you to get those thoughts out there. Can I ask you, if you don't get the exact response you want from her, how will you handle that? Do you have a plan for what to do if you don't get the reassurance you're hoping for?

I think the only bad outcome I can think of is her saying “I don't feel comfortable with you seeing this”. Now that I think about it, if there's any doubt at all I might start digging into this and convincing myself she is lying, or that there is reason to believe she doesn't feel comfortable around me. I can see how this can become a cycle

That's really insightful of you, and you are spot on. That digging and convincing yourself of worst case scenarios is exactly what we want to avoid. It can lead to a spiral of anxiety and negative thoughts. I'm impressed that you are aware of how your thought patterns can work against you. So, maybe a helpful strategy would be to give her the benefit of the doubt if she doesn't give you that exact reassurance you're hoping for. Can you give yourself permission to tell yourself “maybe she feels comfortable around me, but she just isn't comfortable sharing every aspect of herself with me”?

See, in this case wouldn't it be a good idea to delete this message before she sees it?

Hmm, I don't think that would be a great idea. By deleting it, you'd be erasing the chance for you to practice being vulnerable and expressing your needs, and practicing dealing with the uncertainty of not knowing how someone will react. Even if you don't get the exact response you want, this could be a really good opportunity for you to learn to tolerate the anxiety of uncertainty. You can practice accepting that she may not give you exactly what you need, and that doesn't mean she doesn't value you.

Ok I guess I'll try to handle this, and NO MATTER WHAT I WILL NOT SEND A FOLLOW UP MESSAGE AFTER THIS CONVERSATION!! (Because that would give into compulsion)

Hahaha I love your enthusiasm! 🙌 You're absolutely right, sending another message would just be continuing that cycle. I know it might be hard, but it's really impressive that you're trying to handle this without giving in to the impulse to repeat your anxious behavior. It takes a lot of strength to resist that impulse. Do you have any strategies for how you'll cope if you feel like giving in to that impulse? Maybe you can do something nice for yourself if you successfully resist it?

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