Opposite of envy
I had a good therapy session today, and a big thing we were talking about was dealing with envy. It’s shown up recently with why I think friends aren’t always happy for me with things, and that ended up leading to the thought of how other people don’t see the sacrifices that come with the financial/academic success I have now. I think it’s easy for people to see financial difficulties and sympathize with that, but I don’t know anyone irl who can sympathize with a lack of a childhood. Over summers I wouldn’t see a single friend until school started again, since I was locked at home doing SAT/ACT practice tests or studying for some other standardized test. I wasn’t allowed to go to friend’s houses, hang out with them, get rides from them, spend time after school or anything else like that. I never got to have any of those experiences, and so I feel a huge looming envy whenever people remind me of what they have. I do academically very well now because I did not have ANYTHING else growing up. When I say that was my entire life, I mean that – I didn’t get physical affection from my family, I didn’t get any kind of socialization, I had to teach myself social skills from reading things online and sneaking behind my parents back to talk to random people online. It was hell entering college and then having to start from square one, compared to everyone else who had parents who raised them to be a person outside of academics.
Because of that, yeah I am happy that I have this nicer thing than others. And I paid for it fully by myself. If I don’t have this to show, that means that I got robbed of any sort of childhood or adolescence for nothing, and I can’t stand to live with that thought. But I do wish someone else actually understood what life would be like without any of their socialization or development as a human until 18. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.