Potentially Bargaining
Hey. It's 2:44 am and my laptops dead so I have to write this with my phone. I just got back from the rave, and am in the Airbnb with everyone else. At the rave they asked “does anyone here like Jojo(s bizarre adventure)”, and played a remix, and I wanted to send it to her. Later I opened my Instagram and saw a club showing it's members and one was named her name, accent and everything. Feels like the universe wants me to message you.
I've been thinking about it a decent amount, on one hand I realized how, for a lack of a better word, okay I would be if we weren't close friends, or friends. It would suck, and make me sad for a bit for sure, but I would be completely ok after some time. That made me feel happy, as I don't depend on you or rely on you.
I also realized I want to be close friends, but if you don't want that, the answers pretty clear; I don't want to be close with someone who doesn't want to be friends like that with me. I think I'll try to be clear and mention how that's an important thing for me – if we are to be friends I want to KNOW you want to. I absolutely hate the feeling of having to constantly second guess if you actually wanted to be friends like that. I never want to feel that again.
And a big thing I kept feeling was how I lost a lot of trust in you. I don't really know how I'm supposed to trust the things you say, when you've both lied to my face with no issues, and also said directly contradictory things to go your path of least resistance. I unfortunately understand why you're like this, which makes it hard for me to be mad at you – but it sucks you haven't realized some important things in life yet.
The thing that hurts me to think about is I don't know what you want going forwards. On one hand, I think it's pretty cruel and unnatural to purposefully be surface friends until you're back in person, and then more or less resume where we left off. But at the same time, I'm somewhat upset at myself for being so willing to jump through that hoop because of my fears of losing a good friend.
I'm pretty upset at myself for still thinking of you as a close friend, as I don't know what I'd do if you tell me you don't want to be close friends. I guess I'll live, but fuck that would hurt.