Rage
S said they couldn’t get angry or mad, and I think I am not the same in that sense. I think I can get mad at a lot of things, just not really at other people. We played Jackbox for N’s birthday, and the final thing we got was a question “Who is most likely to be a murderer in a horror movie”; I ranked myself pretty high. I don’t know these people that well, and they don’t know me conversely but N decisively said that I was not likely to be a murderer. I obviously am not a murderer, and I have shown consistently how I have a strong aversion to hurting people in any sense. But I felt somewhat upset. I was fleshing out why, but then they also commented about how they and another person had “reason to”, and they seemed pretty smug about it. That upset me, as it felt like they were insinuating due to some trauma or something else they had reason to want to hurt people. It almost felt like in that moment they made it a competition, and to justify their problems they discounted everyone else’s experiences. I think about how I would be justified harboring resentment towards several different avenues, but I pride myself on being able to move past and forgive. But I also do want to acknowledge the effort that’s taken, and how it isn’t easy for me to turn the other cheek and accept what’s happened without retribution.
I think the things that convince me that I am frustrated or hurt by the past are things I always display in private. I guess it’s justified for friends to think I’m lighthearted or something of the sort, but in my eyes, I think about a lot of rage and resentment I carry. I have my healthy avenues to release them but at the same time, it pisses me off to feel like N was saying “You haven’t had enough reason to hate people!” I’m proud of myself for not making a scene or voicing any discomfort with it.
R – 3 deep breaths
E – I felt disrespected and talked down to by N and N’s friends. They assumed I am harmless, even though I’ve done martial arts for like 8 years and am currently in several martial arts classes.
S – It doesn’t matter to me. I can use this as an exercise of letting things go.
T – Remind myself to let it go and to hold no ill-will going forward as a practice.