She think on my therefore till I am
I’m going home tomorrow. I’m pretty afraid of my mental health plummeting. I’m hoping I have enough things to do to keep me from getting horribly depressed.
I want to learn React to write this entire blog thing on my own, so I can add my own functionality and stop paying $12 a month for this service. Also because I’ve told myself I’d learn to write a website or some frontend for the longest time, but never have done it. I also want to try FL studio at least, I love music and try making a couple of things. It’s a shame none of my friends really like some of the genres of music I’ll hopefully end up making. I think S will at least want to hear the music and gas me up regardless, and I’m very thankful for that. It’s a shame it’s going to be the opposite of the music she likes lol. I think I’ll post them on my TikTok at least so it’s somewhere past my local machine’s hard drive. I’m looking forward to those things.
I’m still pretty conflicted about E. I’m in a weird limbo where I don’t think they read this because we’ve gotten fairly distant, but also I think there’s the off chance they still do read this but just don’t mention it for a variety of reasons – all of which I think are stupid. But also, I might just be naive and I really don’t know what I want.
Ever since my birthday time, I have kept a present I got from my old best friend on my desk. It’s a bottle of pills, where each pill contains a small handwritten note she put. She was an incredibly emotionally reserved person and hated anything mushy or sentimental. She still gave me I think the greatest gift I’ve ever received. Every time I open one of the notes, I feel like I’m being hit in the chest in the nicest way – she went so far out of her natural state of being to give me such a thoughtful and kind gift. I feel seen, and I feel loved. I think that’s a universal feeling people want in most cases.
I felt that when S made sure I wasn’t alone on my birthday. And also with how they handled me having an issue with their behavior. I didn’t feel like I did something wrong for bringing it up, which is an incredible feeling – and very opposite of what I expected to happen. I genuinely feel like they care about me as a friend, and that’s something worth more than gold.
Situation: I have things I don’t know the answers to
Thoughts: I need to sit here and think about it nonstop to figure it out.
Feelings: I feel stressed, anxious, and unhappy
Behavior: I end up going in circles, doing nothing productive, and making no positive progress
Thoughts: A lot of these things really don’t matter. They won’t matter in 3 months or a year. I can think about them, but I will be completely fine if I don’t stew on them.
Feelings: I feel less pressured and more at peace.
Behavior: I relax, and I go through life a little less insecure and stressed.
Get some sleep, you’ve got a long day tomorrow. Oh yeah – a friend offered to coach me, so I’m starting powerlifting! With my new PR from yesterday, I am now at 865/1000lbs, and so I’m hoping I can hit that goal within one year! I’m excited, it’s going to be so sweet, and if it’s not, I will at least have enjoyed the journey. Something about Ithaka lol.