So much shaded by fear
I’m feeling several different things right now, but I don’t find myself drawn to any particular ones to write about tonight. Instead, I guess I wanted to talk about what fear is for me. I think it’s the uncertainty that comes along with the future in some ways. It’s the potential for negative outcomes that run somewhat rampant in my mind when left unchecked. I find myself caught by what could happen or what could be so much that I lose sight of the positive outcomes.
Another real fear however is the realization of something bad that has already manifested. Sometimes I struggle with brain fog pretty badly, to the point where I can’t read sentences properly or even talk. I realized that it’s happening right now because I can somewhat put down the voice in my head into words by typing, but I can’t go back and read it and see if what I say makes sense. It’s like each word becomes it’s own independent meaning without any context surrounding it. And through that, everything becomes a haze that I can’t decipher. One of the biggest things I’ve had going for me in my eyes is my mind. That was essentially all I had growing up, and was the only thing valued by my parents. And so, I valued only that also. I am used to being smart, and someone that people see in that light. But I feel dull, like a dusted lightbulb that struggles to stay on. I’m afraid of that. I get fairly self conscious when speaking like this because I’m afraid the sentences I say don’t make any sense. I had a meeting the other day, and I just stayed quiet after speaking for about 15 seconds to pray that what I said was a coherent sentence. I actually get horribly insecure when someone jokes about me being incoherent or saying something unrecognizable. My memory is also pretty dogshit, I don’t even remember what happened the day before or what day it even is. It’s terrifying to lose your mind. Sometimes it feels like that’s all I have consistently, but now that’s slowly fading also.